I need to get it out, I still feel no release 12/19/08

Because it is snowing outside, my kids are at daycare, and I am the sickest that I have been in the last 3 or 4 years, my mind is wandering. Its getting lost in everything. Lost in the sound of the snowblowers outside, the running water of the fishtank, the songs that I have listened to over and over, the pure silence of my house, even my fingers tapping away on the keyboard at an astounding rate. But thats all that my mind seems capable of right now, getting lost. I have had a few days to fully think over my life; past, present and future. The one thing that seems to be a recurring topic in my mind are the words, 'I will be there.' How many times have I heard those simple words? How many times did I believe them? To answer my own questions, I have heard them TOO MANY times and I believed them EVERY time. My faith in our human race fades more and more each time I hear it. I truly believe now that its me against the world. Ive got my children, but they will be grown someday and on their own and then it will just be me again. Because as many times as I have ever heard the words, 'I will be there,' No one ever was. It sounds good in theory and that may possibly be the reason that I believed it so passionately. I believed it because when I say it, I mean it. With my whole ENTIRE being and not just my heart. Ive been told that I am emotional, but maybe its just hopeful. Hopeful that one time when I believe those words again, that it won't cause me pain. Im just looking for that ONE time. Because no matter how mad, upset, or sad I can get; one word, touch or sound can turn it all around. Yeah, Ive got THAT MUCH faith. Im probably too passionate about life, about love, about equality, about rights, about anything. But its that passion that drives me to keep going on the days when I don't feel there is a single soul on this planet that shares my compassionate heart. I keep waiting for someone to prove me wrong on those days. I keep waiting for someone to show me unbridled love, true passion, honesty . . .to show me they have a heart. Not a cold iron heart, one like my own. One that I hold so dearly but give out so easily to so many individuals who are unworthy of my love. I give it away with the hope that someone, something, or some circumstance will heal all my wounds. The wounds that are much deeper than this flesh you see. They are the wounds I have carried my entire life, the child's wounds. Sometimes I feel as though I have no more sanity left in me. That Ive given bits and pieces of me to so many people that there is nothing left of this girl for herself. I don't know what I feel, what I think anymore. There is so much that no one knows about me, so much that no one would suspect from the person I show on the outside. My past haunts me on a daily basis recently. Im scared to death that my children will experience what I did and I don't want that for them. They say you need to acknowledge your past and accept it in order to move on. But what if you are stuck there? Stuck in the horrific memories, stuck in the pain and brutality that was, stuck in the moments of tearshed, stuck in those moments of deep and painful loneliness? I found a song by Pink to describe how I feel 98% of the time.

I try so hard to open up myself to other people. To reveal the entirety of me, but I can't quite get there. The pain I have suffered through in the past has almost disallowed to me to let others in on such a deep level. But I need someone there with me, to understand the depth that I truly contain. Because not having one person willing to stay and understand your thoughts and actions, is the purest form of loneliness I have ever known. I want so badly to discuss my thoughts with someone, to let my emotions just go. But its because of all those people who said they would be there, then left, that leaves me so guarded with my innermost thoughts and feelings. I must be thankful to my father in a lot of ways. He was the first person to help me realize where the emotional pain was stemming from, and what I had done to contribute to it. At a mere 18 years of age when I thought I was on top of the world, when I thought I knew everything there was to know about life, when I thought I was invicible . . . my father shattered my reality. Im sure he doesn't even know, to this day, that he did that to me. But with a simple sentence, he changed my life, my outlook, my beliefs. Since then, I have been lost. Searching for my reality yet again. Searching for my stability. Searching for myself. Ive come to realize, that I may never get exactly what I am looking for, I may not even come close, but I still have the persistance to keep searching. As my life goes on and my circumstances change, Im not sure what to think about life or about people. My circumstances have changed dramatically in the last few months and Im still trying to wade through all the uncertainties and pessimistic thoughts I have because of it all. Im not sure what my immediate future holds and Im not quite sure I want to know. It seems like my life is in a constant state of change. Just when I think Im gaining my footing, something drastic happens and Im back on my ass, looking around me like, 'What the fuck just happened?! How did I get myself here?' Maybe we aren't supposed to know, maybe thats just something that I need to accept. Maybe I just need one person to say 'I will be there' and actually prove it to me. Maybe I just need one person to care enough about me to break down my walls. Its all just a shell. That much I know. Im a mess inside but I only put on this tough outter shell to protect my heart as much as I possibly can. Maybe I just need one person to show me true love . . and prove it every moment of everyday. Im not a hard one to please. I just want simple things. Im not materialistic, Im not dramatic, Im not perfect. I AM passionate, strong, stubborn, loving, hopeful, determined. Im a simple girl who wants simple things. Maybe my problem is I care too much. Maybe my heart is too soft and warm for this cold-hearted Earth. Maybe my expectations of the human race is just too high. Maybe Im meant to walk this life alone forever. I guess I will never know.

Yeah, Im pretty much a mess 12/15/08

Are we fucking joking?! I let out one or two little tears in my earlier blog, get up and get a drink of water and you know what? I feel a little better. I know that it only will do for today, but I feel like the biggest dumbass right now. I go up and down for no reason at all. I told you all, I feel my emotions SO STRONGLY, especially lately. Ive got so much on my plate but I KNOW that I am strong. Ive proved it to myself time and time again. Ive made it through more than anyone knows. My best friend, Jenna wrote a blog about me last week. Can I tell you how amazing she is? She TRULY sees me for me. Let me share just a little bit of what she wrote:

*Through life's many ups and downs Keshia and I have always been there for each other. Through thick and thin, we always will be. During these ups and downs is where I discovered that I admire my best friend because she is one of the strongest and most independent people I have ever met. She has been through more downs than ups and has NEVER let it effect her spirit.
It's also amazing to watch Keshia with her children, for doing it all by herself she is so calm and caring. She loves her babies... I don't know how she does it because if it was me raising 2 kids by myself I would turn out to be "the crazy/stressed mom!" Don't get me wrong, she gets stressed at times, but she tries to never let it show to her kids. Quite frankly, it's amazing to watch. I admire her for being a young mom, but ALWAYS putting her children first.
In my opinion, Keshia is more like my sister and part of my family than a friend. It doesn't matter if we don't talk to each other in 1 day, 3 months, or 10 years, we will always pick up right where we left off and we will always be there for each other when needed.*

Can I tell you how genuinely this girl REALLY understands me? She knows that when I am having a hard time and am SUPER depressed about life, that it is just a phase for me because I have such a huge passion for life. She knows I have a thirst for knowledge that is never quenched and she knows my true soul. When I was having an amazingly bad day last week, I got a text from her. doesn't sound unnormal right? Well, me and Jenna hadn't talked in close to month or so. Her text said "Keshia, Ive been having a lot of thoughts about you lately. Are you ok?" What makes our friendship even more odd, she ALWAYS pops up when I am at my lowest. She said, "Its like God whispers in my ear everytime you need me." She also wrote her blog about me the day before my breakdown. I am so blessed to have a friend like her. she is my BEST FRIEND. I know it all may seem irrelevant but I get so much support from her. The type of support that pops me out of my depressions and makes me start looking at myself for what I really am. i am strong and I know I have and will surpass any and all expectations of me. the one thing I have always said is, "Just give me the chance and let me show you what I can do." I believe in myself . . I just don't believe 100% of the time. I KNOW I am strong although I question it constantly. but thats me. . . im a mess. but im the best damn mess you will ever take a chance on.

Spinning out of control 12/15/08

Why do I feel as though my life is spinning out of control? Im so lost in this head of mine. Im afraid of my future and what hasn't even happened. Is it wrong for me to believe I know what will happen? How do I change everything that I ever was? Im 22 with 2 amazing kids, yet why do I feel as though I have no identity? I thought I knew who I was and was perfectly fine with that person. Then i hear one simple song on the radio on night on my home from work and I realize that I don't feel that identity. If you are reading this one today, Im sorry. . its gonna be long. For all those that know me, know that my true passion lies in fastpitch softball. Ive played since I was 8 years old and fell instantly and irreversibly in love with it then. I was always told how natural I was at it. That was my being, my life, my happiness. Having my feet on the mound inside that circle, knowing that so much was on my shoulders, feeling the eyes of every single person in the park were on me for that moment . . makes my heart pound. Pitching was my identity. In many ways I feel it still is. I worked so hard to become the best that I could be in that circle. In that circle is where I truly feel release, happiness, calm. if you would have told me 3 years ago that i would miss it so badly, im sure I would have laughed at you. But yet now, the simple thought of being in uniform, my black leather mitt on my left hand, yellow softball with the raised threads in my right, feet on the mound, awaiting my call from the catcher altho i knew exactly what I was going to throw, hearing the crowd cheer me on, hearing the voices of my team behind me encouraging me and putting full faith in me . . . Ive yet to find another feeling like it. Its undescribable. The pressure is unmeasurable, yet I thrived under that pressure. I would do anything to get that feeling back. Its all a bittersweet pain. I received a few full ride scholarships for college, straight out of highschool. I chose to stay close to home to be with my boyfriend and still get to play the game I love. I can't regret that decision, I can't and I won't. Shortly after the first season had started (November to be exact) I got pregnant with my daughter and left the team and dropped out of school. I got my daughter out of it but it doesn't fill the void I have in my soul for my game. MY game. I still get recognized for my accomplishments from softball. I walk into the store from time to time and someone will ask me if I am who they think I am. I am that girl, every time. people i don't know recognize me and look up to my achievements. its been 4 years since I have stepped between those 2 chalk lines. I should feel proud. shouldn't I? I act like I am. I pretend to be for those that do recognize me, but inside my heart is breaking. I guess it truly is so bittersweet. I had such a huge impact on so many people. so many little girls always said they wanted to pitch like me, wanted to be in my position. Why does one game get to me so bad? I believe I was put on this earth to play. My true friends have ALL came from softball. I know I have SO FEW, but they are my REAL friends. im just too stubborn to reach out. Too full of pride to ask for help of any sort. Ive been through so much in my lifetime. More than anyone ever really believes. Ive become so good at putting on a happy face that most are genuinely shocked when I reveal what I go through. The most common reaction I get is, "But you seem so happy when you are around me and when I talk to you." Its true. I do SEEM happy. Ive got used to playing that role. I don't want anyone to feel pitty for me, I don't want anything that isn't genuine from people. I want to get what I have by my own hard work. I know there are things that I can't do alone and that I should ask for help, but I never have. Im sure that I never will ask for help, no matter how badly I need it. That has got to be one of the hardest things for me to do. Prideful? yes. Stubborn? yes. Lonely? yes. I feel SO alone its ridiculous to me. Im surrounded by the best company that I have ever had in my life, yet I feel so alone. Ive got no one to turn to. No one who will just hold me and let me cry. I know I shouldn't need or want a male companion so intensely, but I do. Someone who will just let me vent, who will wipe away my tears so that my children don't have to, who will accept that my children are a part of me, someone who will comfort me, who look into my eyes and see all the passion that I hold, who will understand that Im not the one to make the first move, who will understand that the little things make me fall hard, who is willing to catch me everytime that I fall no matter how often it may be, who is willing to accept me for the entire being that I am. I know I am alot to handle, in a different way than most girls out there but i love wholeheartedly. Im not drama. Im not an overly jealous person. I have problems and make mistakes just like the rest of you. I feel things harder than your average person. Just because it doesn't show on the outside, doesn't mean im not dying on the inside. I believe there is good in everyone and I give out more chances than im sure I should. But that is what I love about myself. I love without thinking, I care without thinking, I give without thinking. I believe the words that people say to me because I mean every word that comes out of my mouth. Im honest and loyal. Why can't I find someone who shares the same values? I wish I didn't need or want this so bad. . . but I feel as tho I do. I don't need material things. All things material I can provide for myself and my children. I work hard to provide that stability and no man can ever take that from me. I just need someone there for ME. I want to quit struggling through each day, i want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to be divorced and have MY name back. I want everything with my lawyers to be done with already. I want to have the life that I dreamed of. I want to be ok with where I am, but Im not. I just want to let out a good cry, but I can't. Not in front of my kids. I just want my stability. I keep thinking im not sure if I am strong enough to handle all this. I just want to get away. I want to go away for a bit. just take a break.

Losing Faith 12/10/08

Really, God, if you do exist, what the fuck have I done?! I don't get it!! Ive tried so hard, day in and day out to be the best possible person that I can be, yet why do I keep getting shit on time after time?! I know Im strong and that I will pull through, by why the inconvenience? Why do I get more tests than most? Im trying so hard to be the best possible mother for my children since their father doesn't want anything to with them. Im trying so hard to be EVERYTHING that everyone wants me to be. Im trying GODDAMNIT Im fucking trying. But for what? For solely the purpose to see my children's smiling faces. Speaking of them, what did they do? Leyna with her seizures and now Damian has a heart murmer?! Can we not catch a break?! Can we not get just a little moment of happiness and peace?! Thats all Im asking for! I could live in a fucking cardboard box with them as long as I know they are happy, healthy and optimistic! They don't deserve to be tortured with this bullshit! They don't deserve it . . Look at them! They are absolutely miraculous! How can you exist and do this?! What did they do to be born to me? Did I give them this fate by simply keeping them when I had other options available?! Its so hard to sit here and know that I am doing this to them. I am . . no one else. They are the consequences of my actions. A GREAT consequence. But they are paying consequences for my actions. . . No. . . If you exist, you are truly an unjust God. Were you with me in that ambulance when all I could do was sit and hold my lifeless daughter's hand, praying to you . . . praying that you wouldn't take her from me. Were you there? did you see my suffering?! the endless pain i felt? Were you there in the doctor's office today as I sat and got told that my son has a heart murmer?! Did you see my pain?! Do you REALLY think Im strong enough? To do this on my own?! I can't even stay home from work when my children are sick because how else will all the bills get paid?! Do you see me NOW!? Crying profusely?! Mascara streaming down my cheeks?! Just wanting to pull my hair out, im in so much pain. Im sorry. Im sorry for every wrong move I made in life. Im sorry for being selfish at times. IM SORRY! Im sorry for bringing my kids into this. Im sorry for losing faith.

So I have missed a few . .

I realized today that I do a lot of blogging, just not on here much. I guess its technically not blogging since I don't explain a lot of what is going on in my life, but rather in my head. I have a few that I have written so I will just copy them to here . . for your reading pleasure.

Well its been awhile!!

Well, Ive decided to come back since it has been awhile and update anyone that cares enough to follow my blog. =) Thank you the one. . or two readers that I may have! lol
Im actually doing pretty well financially, emotionally and physically lately. Things seem to be falling into place and I hope and pray that they continue to do so. Knowing all the while that with my luck they probably won't. BUT I just keep on wishing! lol
My divorce is still pending. Just have to get the estranged husband to take the parenting class and sign the papers. OR I can pay $150 to my lawyer to have his attendance waived for the class. I may just end up doing that and then getting the divorce by default because he is much too slow to realize that if he signs the papers, we are divorced! =P Sad but true, my friends!
Im finally getting out from the ditch that my "marriage" caused me financially and getting things back in proper working order. =) Its a VERY good thing because I have always craved financial stability. I want to be able to give my kids the entire world!! It just so happens that this is all happening right before Christmas. Im bound and determined to give my kids a damn good Christmas this year.
My kids "dad" hasn't come around all that often, nor has he really called. In some strange way but makes complete sense to me, it has been a weight off of my shoulders. Ive FINALLY learned to not expect anything from him, period. Since I have done that, he no longer disappoints me. It still hurts for my children but I rather enjoy not sharing them. I know where there are and how they are at all moments of every single day. They are amazing by the way. Damian is still running laps around everyone and talking up a storm. Leyna continues to amaze me more everyday with her growing intelligence. Its just great to be their mother. =D
Speaking of their mother, its a difficult thing to date while going through all of this. But one particular guy just seemed to kind of . . . fall in my lap when I wasn't expecting it. He is a very good guy and its now official that I have a boyfriend. This is something that is still oh so new for me to say . . it will take some getting used to! Thats for sure! But he treats me so well and gives me butterflies everytime I think about him. He respects me in all the ways possible and is an all around good guy . . with these tattoos that are so hot! lol I had to throw that in there or I would be lying to myself right now!! He has an amazing heart and the same sick and twisted sense of humor that I have. He can handle my sarcasm and throw it right back at me. . its great! lol
Onto other topics cuz I can tell you are rolling your eyes right now!! Ive been thinking about talking to my dad lately. My brother works with his company now and from all that my brother is saying, my dad may be getting his head on straight. I also just got my maiden name tattooed down my spine and its safe to say that I got that name (and am so proud to be an Elizond) from my dad. Its only a mere thought at this point still . . so input would be appreciated. Its not just me to worry about. Ive got these babies that look up to me so Im thinking LONG and HARD about this one.
Well, thats all there seems to be for now. I will try and update more as often as I can. =) Its busy busy times for me right now!

My Forever . . .

So here I sit, out on my back porch watching my children play with each other. Thinking about life and getting lost in my own thoughts, the mass maze of confusion that is my mind. I think and feel so many different thoughts and emotions all at once. I make the wrong decisions with a conscious knowledge that they are wrong, but I make them anyway. WHY? I don't think even I know the answer to this one. There are so many different sides to me, so many different people that I can pretend to be. I choose to be that way tho. I choose not to let the real me surface for reasons of uncertainty. I don't think like most people do, my mind runs deep with emotions and knowledge but I don't let it all surface for fear that it may be too much. The passion that I encompass is too much for most of the people that I have met in my lifetime. I hae been through more and seen things that the majority of people will never experience. But every single experience made me who I am inside, the person that I want to show to everyone. There was a point in time when I was promised Forver. Well, that promise faded just like my hope of reaching my forever with someone. That experience alone, tainted my faith tremendously. I keep searching for that one who isn't here to play games, who loves me with the same passion that I will love him with. I know Im 22 and most say that I shouldn't be looking to settle down yet. But truth be, that's how I am. I am the complete definition of the relationship type of girl. I DO NOT enjoy being single, I DO NOT enjoy the dating scene. I DO enjoy cuddling and watching movies on a Saturday night. I DO enjoy having someone to talk to when I have a hard day. I DO enjoy knowing that I am all someone can think about. I DO enjoy laying next to someone in bed, not only just for sexual reasons (which I thoroughly enjoy lol) but to actually feel the heat of their body next to mine. So basically, Im over this "dating" scene, the "friends with benefits" scene, the "single" scene. Im all about the "deeper connection" scene now. I have been blessed with so many things, unfortunately the only thing I am missing is the love that I dream about. The love that most think doesn't exist. This is a vow to myself to think higher and be higher. To live my life solely for me and my children. If it scares any guys off, then they don't deserve any of what we have to offer. They were never strong enough anyways. All I want is for one guy to fully appreciate the beauty that lies in my mind, my heart and my soul. The beauty that I know my children see .