I need to get it out, I still feel no release 12/19/08

Because it is snowing outside, my kids are at daycare, and I am the sickest that I have been in the last 3 or 4 years, my mind is wandering. Its getting lost in everything. Lost in the sound of the snowblowers outside, the running water of the fishtank, the songs that I have listened to over and over, the pure silence of my house, even my fingers tapping away on the keyboard at an astounding rate. But thats all that my mind seems capable of right now, getting lost. I have had a few days to fully think over my life; past, present and future. The one thing that seems to be a recurring topic in my mind are the words, 'I will be there.' How many times have I heard those simple words? How many times did I believe them? To answer my own questions, I have heard them TOO MANY times and I believed them EVERY time. My faith in our human race fades more and more each time I hear it. I truly believe now that its me against the world. Ive got my children, but they will be grown someday and on their own and then it will just be me again. Because as many times as I have ever heard the words, 'I will be there,' No one ever was. It sounds good in theory and that may possibly be the reason that I believed it so passionately. I believed it because when I say it, I mean it. With my whole ENTIRE being and not just my heart. Ive been told that I am emotional, but maybe its just hopeful. Hopeful that one time when I believe those words again, that it won't cause me pain. Im just looking for that ONE time. Because no matter how mad, upset, or sad I can get; one word, touch or sound can turn it all around. Yeah, Ive got THAT MUCH faith. Im probably too passionate about life, about love, about equality, about rights, about anything. But its that passion that drives me to keep going on the days when I don't feel there is a single soul on this planet that shares my compassionate heart. I keep waiting for someone to prove me wrong on those days. I keep waiting for someone to show me unbridled love, true passion, honesty . . .to show me they have a heart. Not a cold iron heart, one like my own. One that I hold so dearly but give out so easily to so many individuals who are unworthy of my love. I give it away with the hope that someone, something, or some circumstance will heal all my wounds. The wounds that are much deeper than this flesh you see. They are the wounds I have carried my entire life, the child's wounds. Sometimes I feel as though I have no more sanity left in me. That Ive given bits and pieces of me to so many people that there is nothing left of this girl for herself. I don't know what I feel, what I think anymore. There is so much that no one knows about me, so much that no one would suspect from the person I show on the outside. My past haunts me on a daily basis recently. Im scared to death that my children will experience what I did and I don't want that for them. They say you need to acknowledge your past and accept it in order to move on. But what if you are stuck there? Stuck in the horrific memories, stuck in the pain and brutality that was, stuck in the moments of tearshed, stuck in those moments of deep and painful loneliness? I found a song by Pink to describe how I feel 98% of the time.

I try so hard to open up myself to other people. To reveal the entirety of me, but I can't quite get there. The pain I have suffered through in the past has almost disallowed to me to let others in on such a deep level. But I need someone there with me, to understand the depth that I truly contain. Because not having one person willing to stay and understand your thoughts and actions, is the purest form of loneliness I have ever known. I want so badly to discuss my thoughts with someone, to let my emotions just go. But its because of all those people who said they would be there, then left, that leaves me so guarded with my innermost thoughts and feelings. I must be thankful to my father in a lot of ways. He was the first person to help me realize where the emotional pain was stemming from, and what I had done to contribute to it. At a mere 18 years of age when I thought I was on top of the world, when I thought I knew everything there was to know about life, when I thought I was invicible . . . my father shattered my reality. Im sure he doesn't even know, to this day, that he did that to me. But with a simple sentence, he changed my life, my outlook, my beliefs. Since then, I have been lost. Searching for my reality yet again. Searching for my stability. Searching for myself. Ive come to realize, that I may never get exactly what I am looking for, I may not even come close, but I still have the persistance to keep searching. As my life goes on and my circumstances change, Im not sure what to think about life or about people. My circumstances have changed dramatically in the last few months and Im still trying to wade through all the uncertainties and pessimistic thoughts I have because of it all. Im not sure what my immediate future holds and Im not quite sure I want to know. It seems like my life is in a constant state of change. Just when I think Im gaining my footing, something drastic happens and Im back on my ass, looking around me like, 'What the fuck just happened?! How did I get myself here?' Maybe we aren't supposed to know, maybe thats just something that I need to accept. Maybe I just need one person to say 'I will be there' and actually prove it to me. Maybe I just need one person to care enough about me to break down my walls. Its all just a shell. That much I know. Im a mess inside but I only put on this tough outter shell to protect my heart as much as I possibly can. Maybe I just need one person to show me true love . . and prove it every moment of everyday. Im not a hard one to please. I just want simple things. Im not materialistic, Im not dramatic, Im not perfect. I AM passionate, strong, stubborn, loving, hopeful, determined. Im a simple girl who wants simple things. Maybe my problem is I care too much. Maybe my heart is too soft and warm for this cold-hearted Earth. Maybe my expectations of the human race is just too high. Maybe Im meant to walk this life alone forever. I guess I will never know.