Spinning out of control 12/15/08

Why do I feel as though my life is spinning out of control? Im so lost in this head of mine. Im afraid of my future and what hasn't even happened. Is it wrong for me to believe I know what will happen? How do I change everything that I ever was? Im 22 with 2 amazing kids, yet why do I feel as though I have no identity? I thought I knew who I was and was perfectly fine with that person. Then i hear one simple song on the radio on night on my home from work and I realize that I don't feel that identity. If you are reading this one today, Im sorry. . its gonna be long. For all those that know me, know that my true passion lies in fastpitch softball. Ive played since I was 8 years old and fell instantly and irreversibly in love with it then. I was always told how natural I was at it. That was my being, my life, my happiness. Having my feet on the mound inside that circle, knowing that so much was on my shoulders, feeling the eyes of every single person in the park were on me for that moment . . makes my heart pound. Pitching was my identity. In many ways I feel it still is. I worked so hard to become the best that I could be in that circle. In that circle is where I truly feel release, happiness, calm. if you would have told me 3 years ago that i would miss it so badly, im sure I would have laughed at you. But yet now, the simple thought of being in uniform, my black leather mitt on my left hand, yellow softball with the raised threads in my right, feet on the mound, awaiting my call from the catcher altho i knew exactly what I was going to throw, hearing the crowd cheer me on, hearing the voices of my team behind me encouraging me and putting full faith in me . . . Ive yet to find another feeling like it. Its undescribable. The pressure is unmeasurable, yet I thrived under that pressure. I would do anything to get that feeling back. Its all a bittersweet pain. I received a few full ride scholarships for college, straight out of highschool. I chose to stay close to home to be with my boyfriend and still get to play the game I love. I can't regret that decision, I can't and I won't. Shortly after the first season had started (November to be exact) I got pregnant with my daughter and left the team and dropped out of school. I got my daughter out of it but it doesn't fill the void I have in my soul for my game. MY game. I still get recognized for my accomplishments from softball. I walk into the store from time to time and someone will ask me if I am who they think I am. I am that girl, every time. people i don't know recognize me and look up to my achievements. its been 4 years since I have stepped between those 2 chalk lines. I should feel proud. shouldn't I? I act like I am. I pretend to be for those that do recognize me, but inside my heart is breaking. I guess it truly is so bittersweet. I had such a huge impact on so many people. so many little girls always said they wanted to pitch like me, wanted to be in my position. Why does one game get to me so bad? I believe I was put on this earth to play. My true friends have ALL came from softball. I know I have SO FEW, but they are my REAL friends. im just too stubborn to reach out. Too full of pride to ask for help of any sort. Ive been through so much in my lifetime. More than anyone ever really believes. Ive become so good at putting on a happy face that most are genuinely shocked when I reveal what I go through. The most common reaction I get is, "But you seem so happy when you are around me and when I talk to you." Its true. I do SEEM happy. Ive got used to playing that role. I don't want anyone to feel pitty for me, I don't want anything that isn't genuine from people. I want to get what I have by my own hard work. I know there are things that I can't do alone and that I should ask for help, but I never have. Im sure that I never will ask for help, no matter how badly I need it. That has got to be one of the hardest things for me to do. Prideful? yes. Stubborn? yes. Lonely? yes. I feel SO alone its ridiculous to me. Im surrounded by the best company that I have ever had in my life, yet I feel so alone. Ive got no one to turn to. No one who will just hold me and let me cry. I know I shouldn't need or want a male companion so intensely, but I do. Someone who will just let me vent, who will wipe away my tears so that my children don't have to, who will accept that my children are a part of me, someone who will comfort me, who look into my eyes and see all the passion that I hold, who will understand that Im not the one to make the first move, who will understand that the little things make me fall hard, who is willing to catch me everytime that I fall no matter how often it may be, who is willing to accept me for the entire being that I am. I know I am alot to handle, in a different way than most girls out there but i love wholeheartedly. Im not drama. Im not an overly jealous person. I have problems and make mistakes just like the rest of you. I feel things harder than your average person. Just because it doesn't show on the outside, doesn't mean im not dying on the inside. I believe there is good in everyone and I give out more chances than im sure I should. But that is what I love about myself. I love without thinking, I care without thinking, I give without thinking. I believe the words that people say to me because I mean every word that comes out of my mouth. Im honest and loyal. Why can't I find someone who shares the same values? I wish I didn't need or want this so bad. . . but I feel as tho I do. I don't need material things. All things material I can provide for myself and my children. I work hard to provide that stability and no man can ever take that from me. I just need someone there for ME. I want to quit struggling through each day, i want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to be divorced and have MY name back. I want everything with my lawyers to be done with already. I want to have the life that I dreamed of. I want to be ok with where I am, but Im not. I just want to let out a good cry, but I can't. Not in front of my kids. I just want my stability. I keep thinking im not sure if I am strong enough to handle all this. I just want to get away. I want to go away for a bit. just take a break.