Losing Faith 12/10/08

Really, God, if you do exist, what the fuck have I done?! I don't get it!! Ive tried so hard, day in and day out to be the best possible person that I can be, yet why do I keep getting shit on time after time?! I know Im strong and that I will pull through, by why the inconvenience? Why do I get more tests than most? Im trying so hard to be the best possible mother for my children since their father doesn't want anything to with them. Im trying so hard to be EVERYTHING that everyone wants me to be. Im trying GODDAMNIT Im fucking trying. But for what? For solely the purpose to see my children's smiling faces. Speaking of them, what did they do? Leyna with her seizures and now Damian has a heart murmer?! Can we not catch a break?! Can we not get just a little moment of happiness and peace?! Thats all Im asking for! I could live in a fucking cardboard box with them as long as I know they are happy, healthy and optimistic! They don't deserve to be tortured with this bullshit! They don't deserve it . . Look at them! They are absolutely miraculous! How can you exist and do this?! What did they do to be born to me? Did I give them this fate by simply keeping them when I had other options available?! Its so hard to sit here and know that I am doing this to them. I am . . no one else. They are the consequences of my actions. A GREAT consequence. But they are paying consequences for my actions. . . No. . . If you exist, you are truly an unjust God. Were you with me in that ambulance when all I could do was sit and hold my lifeless daughter's hand, praying to you . . . praying that you wouldn't take her from me. Were you there? did you see my suffering?! the endless pain i felt? Were you there in the doctor's office today as I sat and got told that my son has a heart murmer?! Did you see my pain?! Do you REALLY think Im strong enough? To do this on my own?! I can't even stay home from work when my children are sick because how else will all the bills get paid?! Do you see me NOW!? Crying profusely?! Mascara streaming down my cheeks?! Just wanting to pull my hair out, im in so much pain. Im sorry. Im sorry for every wrong move I made in life. Im sorry for being selfish at times. IM SORRY! Im sorry for bringing my kids into this. Im sorry for losing faith.