My Forever . . .

So here I sit, out on my back porch watching my children play with each other. Thinking about life and getting lost in my own thoughts, the mass maze of confusion that is my mind. I think and feel so many different thoughts and emotions all at once. I make the wrong decisions with a conscious knowledge that they are wrong, but I make them anyway. WHY? I don't think even I know the answer to this one. There are so many different sides to me, so many different people that I can pretend to be. I choose to be that way tho. I choose not to let the real me surface for reasons of uncertainty. I don't think like most people do, my mind runs deep with emotions and knowledge but I don't let it all surface for fear that it may be too much. The passion that I encompass is too much for most of the people that I have met in my lifetime. I hae been through more and seen things that the majority of people will never experience. But every single experience made me who I am inside, the person that I want to show to everyone. There was a point in time when I was promised Forver. Well, that promise faded just like my hope of reaching my forever with someone. That experience alone, tainted my faith tremendously. I keep searching for that one who isn't here to play games, who loves me with the same passion that I will love him with. I know Im 22 and most say that I shouldn't be looking to settle down yet. But truth be, that's how I am. I am the complete definition of the relationship type of girl. I DO NOT enjoy being single, I DO NOT enjoy the dating scene. I DO enjoy cuddling and watching movies on a Saturday night. I DO enjoy having someone to talk to when I have a hard day. I DO enjoy knowing that I am all someone can think about. I DO enjoy laying next to someone in bed, not only just for sexual reasons (which I thoroughly enjoy lol) but to actually feel the heat of their body next to mine. So basically, Im over this "dating" scene, the "friends with benefits" scene, the "single" scene. Im all about the "deeper connection" scene now. I have been blessed with so many things, unfortunately the only thing I am missing is the love that I dream about. The love that most think doesn't exist. This is a vow to myself to think higher and be higher. To live my life solely for me and my children. If it scares any guys off, then they don't deserve any of what we have to offer. They were never strong enough anyways. All I want is for one guy to fully appreciate the beauty that lies in my mind, my heart and my soul. The beauty that I know my children see .