Here we are yet again. . . Did ya miss me?!
See, out comes the humor. I always seem to use humor to mask my pain or discomfort. I don't know why I do it but Im fully aware that I do. My life is crazy and sometimes Im not sure how the hell I am ever going to get through it. One step at a time right? Well, I think it is much easier said than done. I feel like I have no direction in my life right now. I feel like I keep looking for my fairytale kind of love but it just may not exist. Scratch that. I know it exists because I see it every single day all around me. It just hasn't happened to me yet.
Before I fully get into that let me update.
My little girl is now 3 years old and she is so excited about that. Everyday she will hold up 3 fingers to me and smile the biggest smile you have ever seen! It makes my heart melt all up until she says "My birthday is coming!" To which I must reply, "No babydoll. You already had your birthday, now its Damian's turn for his birthday." Thats about the time she throws a tantrum and starts crying. I know. . Im such a mean mom aren't I? =) Well now today is Damian's first birthday and it is so bittersweet for me. I love watching him grow because he amazes me with all he can do . . but now I don't have baby anymore! Im not baby hungry, I just want my baby to stay little forever I guess.
I got to take the whole week off since their birthdays are 5 days apart. I go back tomorrow and I have so much sorrow because of it. I didn't realize how much I truely miss my babies when I go to work. It makes me hurt. This week has truely made me realize just how much of me they have. I have made so many mistakes with them that I just wish I could take back. These 2 depend solely on me and in some ways I have let them down and I won't forgive myself for that. Never. But as God is my witness, Im doing my best. I just feel like my best isn't always good enough. I can't change the past so Im gonna make the best of what I have for the future. Like Randy Pausch says, "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." Its so true and holds so much meaning to me.
Well, to update on the whole divorce issue. . . It all has been filed and my lawyer says that he should have the papers this week. Which means that if Jose did get them then he is being really civil and give him as much as possible. Which isn't happening by the way. Everything is rightfully mine and Im gonna do my best to make sure I have full sole custody and guardianship of my children. Thats what I care about the most. I was supposed to get my car back from him yesterday but it didn't happen. I guess his other car that he bought is in the shop but he says that I will have the 300 on Monday no matter what. Let's see if he holds up to his end of the bargain on that one. I want to trust him that he will so bad but with his history I just might have to pay almost $400 to get it reposessed. Im stressing big time about that one. Im trying to move on with my life but feel like Im walking in the dark. No sense of where to go. Im lonely and need to get away. But if I leave then the guilt will overwhelm me and I will be stressed the whole time I am away. I contradict myself just like this all the damn time. it doesn't make any sense Im sure but my brain goes so much faster than my fingers can type.
See, out comes the humor. I always seem to use humor to mask my pain or discomfort. I don't know why I do it but Im fully aware that I do. My life is crazy and sometimes Im not sure how the hell I am ever going to get through it. One step at a time right? Well, I think it is much easier said than done. I feel like I have no direction in my life right now. I feel like I keep looking for my fairytale kind of love but it just may not exist. Scratch that. I know it exists because I see it every single day all around me. It just hasn't happened to me yet.
Before I fully get into that let me update.
My little girl is now 3 years old and she is so excited about that. Everyday she will hold up 3 fingers to me and smile the biggest smile you have ever seen! It makes my heart melt all up until she says "My birthday is coming!" To which I must reply, "No babydoll. You already had your birthday, now its Damian's turn for his birthday." Thats about the time she throws a tantrum and starts crying. I know. . Im such a mean mom aren't I? =) Well now today is Damian's first birthday and it is so bittersweet for me. I love watching him grow because he amazes me with all he can do . . but now I don't have baby anymore! Im not baby hungry, I just want my baby to stay little forever I guess.
I got to take the whole week off since their birthdays are 5 days apart. I go back tomorrow and I have so much sorrow because of it. I didn't realize how much I truely miss my babies when I go to work. It makes me hurt. This week has truely made me realize just how much of me they have. I have made so many mistakes with them that I just wish I could take back. These 2 depend solely on me and in some ways I have let them down and I won't forgive myself for that. Never. But as God is my witness, Im doing my best. I just feel like my best isn't always good enough. I can't change the past so Im gonna make the best of what I have for the future. Like Randy Pausch says, "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." Its so true and holds so much meaning to me.
Well, to update on the whole divorce issue. . . It all has been filed and my lawyer says that he should have the papers this week. Which means that if Jose did get them then he is being really civil and give him as much as possible. Which isn't happening by the way. Everything is rightfully mine and Im gonna do my best to make sure I have full sole custody and guardianship of my children. Thats what I care about the most. I was supposed to get my car back from him yesterday but it didn't happen. I guess his other car that he bought is in the shop but he says that I will have the 300 on Monday no matter what. Let's see if he holds up to his end of the bargain on that one. I want to trust him that he will so bad but with his history I just might have to pay almost $400 to get it reposessed. Im stressing big time about that one. Im trying to move on with my life but feel like Im walking in the dark. No sense of where to go. Im lonely and need to get away. But if I leave then the guilt will overwhelm me and I will be stressed the whole time I am away. I contradict myself just like this all the damn time. it doesn't make any sense Im sure but my brain goes so much faster than my fingers can type.
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