So here I am again, just about to head off to Leyna's very first dance recital. I will have to put up some pictures of my lil girl dancing around. I can't believe how fast she has grown. She will be 3 years old in less than a month. I swear I just had her. . I can honestly swear. Im so excited for her and she is so excited too!
I also dealt with Jose today. That wasn't so much fun as it always is but I keep hoping he will be civil. But like my mother says, "He was an ass when he was with you why do you think he would change when you aren't with him?" Great advice as always from my mom.
I don't know why I try so hard to be civil with him and worry about his feelings so much. All he does is take complete advantage of me and say all these things that accomplish nothing but hurt me. He is the only person in this world who I have ever let destroy my self worth. I feel like I am nothing when I am around him and it is one of the worst feelings in the world. Why? Why do I let him do it? I can't just turn off these emotions and I feel that if I keep trying and keeping hoping and praying that the Jose that I love will resurface. Today he flipped out about me mentioning a boob job. Just as simple as that.
I don't know why I stick around or even go around and let him keep doing this to me. I want to do something for myself and he tells me Im selfish. This would be the second significant thing that I have done for myself since we have split (Getting my kids names tattoed on my back was the first and he even flipped about that cuz I didn't let him know that I was gonna do it). Its like no matter what I do Im not good enough for anyone. So I decide to stop pleasing everyone else and just worry about pleasing myself and now Im "fake, selfish, immature, etc." I don't get it. I just don't get it.
On a lighter note, my best friend in the whole world is getting married on Friday. I couldn't be more happy or excited for her. She has finally found someone that she loves wholeheartedly and someone who loves her the same in return. I must admit that I am so jealous of what she has but I need to keep faith that God has his plan for me. I will let her enjoy her day and the life that she has created with Rory. So Jenna, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. You have been so much like family to me and I want to thank you for ALWAYS being there when I needed you. You are the true definition of a friend and you will always be in my heart. Im so excited for you and I am so grateful that I have you to call my best friend. Im gonna bawl like a baby at your wedding . . you know that right? I can't wait to call you "Mrs. Jenna fucking Duff" HA HA! I love you!!
Well, time to get leyna ready for her recital . . wish me luck on not bawling at my little girl growing up. Im so happy to be a MAMA. Im so blessed.
1 comment:
Dont let him tear you down! grr that makes me so mad you deserve to have things to just because you became a mom does not mean that you cannot have a life still and do things for your self every once in awhile... Besides he is your Ex well almost hasnt been D day yet but it is nono of his buisness what you do now. If he wants it to be maybe he shouldnt be an ass and he would still be around. He is just mad that he doesnt get to see the new girls :) hang in there girl things will get better!
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