These touch my spirit and clutter my mind

As I was online one day talking to a friend about my many tribulations in life, about my thoughts of love and hate, about life, he sent me these two passages that touched me deeply. I connected with them on not only an emotional level but on a spiritual level. I feel these like you feel tangible objects. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

---A passage by Bertrand Russell---
Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

--- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8---
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

6 . . Ive been tagged!

Jenna tagged me .. . so here we go!


Here are the rules:
Mention rules on your blog.
Tell about 6 quirks of yours.
Tell 6 fellow bloggers to do the same.
Leave a comment to let them know.

1. So I decided that for my first quirk . . I don't think I have any quirks! So I guess that is a quirk in itself! I really don't though. Everything that I do is absolutely, 100% me and I believe I am on the fair side of being normal! Maybe not normal 100% of the time but I am always true to myself and to who I want to become as a person! =)

2. Ok, think Keshia, think! OH! I HATE the feel of scrambled eggs in my mouth. Makes me gag just thinking about it! I can eat about one bite but after that . . Im OVER it! This is odd because I used to love scrambled eggs growing up. It was the only way that I would eat them! But since I was pregnant with Leyna, it just makes me gag and I can feel the acid coming up my esophagus when I see them, smell them, or hear about them!

3. I am probably the most stubborn person you will ever meet! =) Again, this isn't weird to me because I have ALWAYS been this way! I always want things my way and if someone else doesn't agree, I get mad. I will totally admit to it after the fact so thats a plus, right?! HA HA! Ask anyone who truly knows me! I want what I want when I want it and how I want it! I just prefer certain things in my life of mine =) Now is that really that bad?! I don't think so!

4. So, I haven't figured out whether I can really and truly see the supernatural or if it is my mind that is making me believe that I can. Sometimes I know that I am just freaked out with my surroundings so my mind makes me think that I am seeing something when Im not, but sometimes, I really believe that someone or something may be there. Not only have I seen things on multiple occasions, I feel these presences. Its undescribable. I guess some would just call it a gut instinct, but its more than instinct. Its like when you FEEL someone looking at you even tho you aren't looking at them. But I get that when Im alone at time. . . its kinda freaky.

5. I am probably the most chill mother you will ever meet! My kids are on fast mode all day long, every single day! They run into walls and fall off of chairs ALL THE TIME so they are used to it and so am I! =) I just them go because I know that is how they learn. They will have to find out a lot of things on their own and if they realize that doing one certain things causes a negative consequence, then they won't do it again! Its hilarious when other people are around me and my kids! They are so damn jumpy and I just sit back and watch!

6. I have had a lot of moments recently where I feel like a complete child! We are talking in the good sense! The sense that I don't want to grow up! The child that loves to be goofy and act like a complete fool just because I love to laugh! Jenna brought back so many memories when we talked about toilet papering! I STILL love to go do that and I am 22 years old with 2 little children! When my children are old enough I will be out there with them! I think I just love to laugh after it is all said and done. All of my best laughs have happened due to these moments and memories!

USMC

So it's Sautrday afternoon and this week has been pretty amazing to say the least. I know it has been a bit since I have last blogged and Im getting bugged to update it . . so here I AM! =D
There are so many things running through my mind at the current moment but the majority of it has to do with the title. For those of you that really know me, know that I have many little brothers. Not by blood of course (only one by blood) but by heart they certainly mean as much to me as my blood brother. One in particular I am extremely proud to say that I know. His name? Andrew Horrocks. Better known now as Pvt. Horrocks of the United States Marine Corps.


I am incredibly overwhelmed with pride. He is back in Utah currently after just finishing with boot camp and becoming a US marine. It is so bittersweet for me because I know every time he leaves he may not come back, but I also know that he is doing a great thing for our country. I will continue to wish and pray every single day for his safe return. I know the passion for our country that consumes him and I am speechless as how to possibly let him know even a sliver of the pride and gratefulness that I feel for him. He has only gets to be home for 10 days, which is almost up, then he gets shipped off to serve our country. Im scared to death. So please don't take for granted all the freedoms we have in this great country. For my little brother is out there risking his life for us. How many of us can say that we would do that for millions of strangers? While Im at it, I want to say thank you to ALL the men and women in the military. As I get the pleasure to meet more of them all I am continuously amazed by their perseverance.
Please pray for my little brother and possibly let him know that what he does IS APPRECIATED. For our military doesn't here it as often as they should. I want to also recognize my cousin Ben who is also a United States Marine, and all my newfound friends in the Army and the Air Force. You all are appreciated and supported. I love you all and pray you will all come back safe.
I love you.

Labor Day Weekend

Im feelin pretty good today. I didn't sleep much last night but its ok because I feel good today. I have a good 3day weekend starting today and Im so excited! I guess its just lame cuz I don't have any plans but hangin with my babies but I am happy about it. =) I know I have to go do laundry and clean up our room but its nothing significant enough to have be truly bothered or stressed today. I plan on going for a walk with my kids a little bit later. That will help me tremendously as well. Because if you know me at all, you know that walking is my stress reliever. I don't know how or why but it always calms the constant stream of thoughts going in and out of my head at any given second. Ive come to realize that Im just too much for most people to handle. I have an extreme personality. Its either black or white . . no inbetween for me. If it is inbetween, thats when I stress the most! I am EXTREMELY passionate and super sensitive, not to mention CONSISTENTLY stubborn =) but the people that love me, love me despite my flaws. I love who I am and if my thoughts scare people off then so be it. I don't need them anyways. If you all could take a glimpse into my head for 1 minute I think that you would be tired for the rest of your life. Its mass confusion up there with my thoughts going at light speed. But all in all, it is MY thoughts =) Thats what makes it all worthwhile to me! I know you probly don't understand this blog much, but I do and I feel so much better after writing in it today . . . =) Have a great Labor Day Weekend!

So I left the title blank to this one because Im not quite sure what I am even going to write about in this blog. I feel so lost. So confused about life and everything in it. All I know for sure is that I am so in love with the two little ones that call me MAMA. Thats about it, my friends. I need a new start, a new environment. I feel like I am going in circles where nothing is changing but I want it all to change so bad. I have no motivation for myself right now. There is so many things on my plate right now that just the thought of it all completely overwhelms me, so I do nothing. I want to get it all done. All taken care of, and I want it all to happen RIGHT NOW. I try to be strong day in and day out but Im so broken down. I KNOW I'm not alone in all this but I can't help this feeling of loneliness that I feel in soul. I hate failing and I feel like I have pretty much failed at everything in my life. Im doing the best that I can yet it seems the harder I try the worse it all gets. How do you give up someone that you love more than yourself in order to protect yourself? I believe that if it is meant to be it will be . . . . but how do you wait? I don't know, all I know is that I need to clean up this mess that I have made of my life and I don't even know where to begin or where to go. I need a new start. Somewhere far away from everything and everyone. How do I accomplish this when I don't even know where I am. I hate being an adult. I have so much responsibility and Im not holding up to my end of the bargain that was made when God gave me my children. Im trying. Im trying so hard. Hopefully I will get a break soon. VERY SOON. Before I crash and burn at the bottom.


this is the song that I am consistently pushing repeat, repeat, repeat to . . . hopefully it will sink in soon and I will believe it.

Crickets

So I was just sitting here on the computer when my daughter comes running in to me screaming, "Mama! Mama! Do you hear that?! Do you hear that?!" Of course I can't hear anything but her screeching little voice but I just stop what I am doing and ask "Hear what?" My heart smiles as she says so excitedly, just like a 3 year old would, "CRICKETS!!!" In all actuality it sounds more like "CWICKETS" But I love how she says it and I know what she means. We as adults hear the crickets all night long during the summer but have you ever stopped to really listen to them. They are so beautiful. Its one of the most unique sounds that I have ever heard in the longest of times. So there I was, sitting with my little girl in my lap on the front porch just listening to the crickets and her little giggles, and realizing how much Im letting this life pass me by. I swear it was just yesterday that I was pregnant with Leyna and so terrified to be a mother. Now that little being that was inside me is this perfect 3 year old little girl and she even has an equally perfect 1 year old brother. What happened to the last 4 years of my life? So much has changed, some for the better and some for the worst but it all equals to what I am and who I am today and Im pretty sure I wouldn't change one second if ever given the chance. I have taken so much of it for granted and now I struggle on a day to day basis just to get by in every way possible, I thank God for all the blessings that I do have. Im so thankful that my daughter still has the innocence to be truely grateful for the "noise" of the crickets. Life is sometimes crazy, chaotic, unperfect and stressful. But I can look at my life and see my 2 beautiful children and know that I love mine in all of its trials and tribulations. I love that I have the sight to see my beautiful children grow and learn each day. I love that I have the hearing to listen to the crickets and the "Mama"s that come from children every day. I love that I get to feel the softness of my children's skin and the warmth of their kisses every day. I love that I get to smell the smell of baby lotion and baby soap knowing that means my kids are around me. I love that I get to taste all the concoctions that my daughter makes for me now matter how disgusting they may be. I am truely thankful for my children. In every aspect of their lives. I would kill for those two in the blink of an eye without even thinking about it. I would do anything and everything for them. I feel true and passionate love in my heart when I look at them. Nothing can ever compare to the love that a mother has for her children. Nothing. And you can quote me on that. I haven't been perfect but I promise to my children from this day forward that I will put them first and live my life for them. So to my children (and I say it with tears in my eyes and the warmest heart) "I love you two. More than you will ever know."
My point to all of you who read this, they say take time to stop and smell the roses, but my advice is to take time to stop and listen to the crickets. For everytime I listen, I hear the innocence and compassion in my children's hearts.

Some of Leyna's birthday pictures