Because it is snowing outside, my kids are at daycare, and I am the sickest that I have been in the last 3 or 4 years, my mind is wandering. Its getting lost in everything. Lost in the sound of the snowblowers outside, the running water of the fishtank, the songs that I have listened to over and over, the pure silence of my house, even my fingers tapping away on the keyboard at an astounding rate. But thats all that my mind seems capable of right now, getting lost. I have had a few days to fully think over my life; past, present and future. The one thing that seems to be a recurring topic in my mind are the words, 'I will be there.' How many times have I heard those simple words? How many times did I believe them? To answer my own questions, I have heard them TOO MANY times and I believed them EVERY time. My faith in our human race fades more and more each time I hear it. I truly believe now that its me against the world. Ive got my children, but they will be grown someday and on their own and then it will just be me again. Because as many times as I have ever heard the words, 'I will be there,' No one ever was. It sounds good in theory and that may possibly be the reason that I believed it so passionately. I believed it because when I say it, I mean it. With my whole ENTIRE being and not just my heart. Ive been told that I am emotional, but maybe its just hopeful. Hopeful that one time when I believe those words again, that it won't cause me pain. Im just looking for that ONE time. Because no matter how mad, upset, or sad I can get; one word, touch or sound can turn it all around. Yeah, Ive got THAT MUCH faith. Im probably too passionate about life, about love, about equality, about rights, about anything. But its that passion that drives me to keep going on the days when I don't feel there is a single soul on this planet that shares my compassionate heart. I keep waiting for someone to prove me wrong on those days. I keep waiting for someone to show me unbridled love, true passion, honesty . . .to show me they have a heart. Not a cold iron heart, one like my own. One that I hold so dearly but give out so easily to so many individuals who are unworthy of my love. I give it away with the hope that someone, something, or some circumstance will heal all my wounds. The wounds that are much deeper than this flesh you see. They are the wounds I have carried my entire life, the child's wounds. Sometimes I feel as though I have no more sanity left in me. That Ive given bits and pieces of me to so many people that there is nothing left of this girl for herself. I don't know what I feel, what I think anymore. There is so much that no one knows about me, so much that no one would suspect from the person I show on the outside. My past haunts me on a daily basis recently. Im scared to death that my children will experience what I did and I don't want that for them. They say you need to acknowledge your past and accept it in order to move on. But what if you are stuck there? Stuck in the horrific memories, stuck in the pain and brutality that was, stuck in the moments of tearshed, stuck in those moments of deep and painful loneliness? I found a song by Pink to describe how I feel 98% of the time.
I try so hard to open up myself to other people. To reveal the entirety of me, but I can't quite get there. The pain I have suffered through in the past has almost disallowed to me to let others in on such a deep level. But I need someone there with me, to understand the depth that I truly contain. Because not having one person willing to stay and understand your thoughts and actions, is the purest form of loneliness I have ever known. I want so badly to discuss my thoughts with someone, to let my emotions just go. But its because of all those people who said they would be there, then left, that leaves me so guarded with my innermost thoughts and feelings. I must be thankful to my father in a lot of ways. He was the first person to help me realize where the emotional pain was stemming from, and what I had done to contribute to it. At a mere 18 years of age when I thought I was on top of the world, when I thought I knew everything there was to know about life, when I thought I was invicible . . . my father shattered my reality. Im sure he doesn't even know, to this day, that he did that to me. But with a simple sentence, he changed my life, my outlook, my beliefs. Since then, I have been lost. Searching for my reality yet again. Searching for my stability. Searching for myself. Ive come to realize, that I may never get exactly what I am looking for, I may not even come close, but I still have the persistance to keep searching. As my life goes on and my circumstances change, Im not sure what to think about life or about people. My circumstances have changed dramatically in the last few months and Im still trying to wade through all the uncertainties and pessimistic thoughts I have because of it all. Im not sure what my immediate future holds and Im not quite sure I want to know. It seems like my life is in a constant state of change. Just when I think Im gaining my footing, something drastic happens and Im back on my ass, looking around me like, 'What the fuck just happened?! How did I get myself here?' Maybe we aren't supposed to know, maybe thats just something that I need to accept. Maybe I just need one person to say 'I will be there' and actually prove it to me. Maybe I just need one person to care enough about me to break down my walls. Its all just a shell. That much I know. Im a mess inside but I only put on this tough outter shell to protect my heart as much as I possibly can. Maybe I just need one person to show me true love . . and prove it every moment of everyday. Im not a hard one to please. I just want simple things. Im not materialistic, Im not dramatic, Im not perfect. I AM passionate, strong, stubborn, loving, hopeful, determined. Im a simple girl who wants simple things. Maybe my problem is I care too much. Maybe my heart is too soft and warm for this cold-hearted Earth. Maybe my expectations of the human race is just too high. Maybe Im meant to walk this life alone forever. I guess I will never know.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Yeah, Im pretty much a mess 12/15/08
Are we fucking joking?! I let out one or two little tears in my earlier blog, get up and get a drink of water and you know what? I feel a little better. I know that it only will do for today, but I feel like the biggest dumbass right now. I go up and down for no reason at all. I told you all, I feel my emotions SO STRONGLY, especially lately. Ive got so much on my plate but I KNOW that I am strong. Ive proved it to myself time and time again. Ive made it through more than anyone knows. My best friend, Jenna wrote a blog about me last week. Can I tell you how amazing she is? She TRULY sees me for me. Let me share just a little bit of what she wrote:
*Through life's many ups and downs Keshia and I have always been there for each other. Through thick and thin, we always will be. During these ups and downs is where I discovered that I admire my best friend because she is one of the strongest and most independent people I have ever met. She has been through more downs than ups and has NEVER let it effect her spirit.
It's also amazing to watch Keshia with her children, for doing it all by herself she is so calm and caring. She loves her babies... I don't know how she does it because if it was me raising 2 kids by myself I would turn out to be "the crazy/stressed mom!" Don't get me wrong, she gets stressed at times, but she tries to never let it show to her kids. Quite frankly, it's amazing to watch. I admire her for being a young mom, but ALWAYS putting her children first.
In my opinion, Keshia is more like my sister and part of my family than a friend. It doesn't matter if we don't talk to each other in 1 day, 3 months, or 10 years, we will always pick up right where we left off and we will always be there for each other when needed.*
Can I tell you how genuinely this girl REALLY understands me? She knows that when I am having a hard time and am SUPER depressed about life, that it is just a phase for me because I have such a huge passion for life. She knows I have a thirst for knowledge that is never quenched and she knows my true soul. When I was having an amazingly bad day last week, I got a text from her. doesn't sound unnormal right? Well, me and Jenna hadn't talked in close to month or so. Her text said "Keshia, Ive been having a lot of thoughts about you lately. Are you ok?" What makes our friendship even more odd, she ALWAYS pops up when I am at my lowest. She said, "Its like God whispers in my ear everytime you need me." She also wrote her blog about me the day before my breakdown. I am so blessed to have a friend like her. she is my BEST FRIEND. I know it all may seem irrelevant but I get so much support from her. The type of support that pops me out of my depressions and makes me start looking at myself for what I really am. i am strong and I know I have and will surpass any and all expectations of me. the one thing I have always said is, "Just give me the chance and let me show you what I can do." I believe in myself . . I just don't believe 100% of the time. I KNOW I am strong although I question it constantly. but thats me. . . im a mess. but im the best damn mess you will ever take a chance on.
*Through life's many ups and downs Keshia and I have always been there for each other. Through thick and thin, we always will be. During these ups and downs is where I discovered that I admire my best friend because she is one of the strongest and most independent people I have ever met. She has been through more downs than ups and has NEVER let it effect her spirit.
It's also amazing to watch Keshia with her children, for doing it all by herself she is so calm and caring. She loves her babies... I don't know how she does it because if it was me raising 2 kids by myself I would turn out to be "the crazy/stressed mom!" Don't get me wrong, she gets stressed at times, but she tries to never let it show to her kids. Quite frankly, it's amazing to watch. I admire her for being a young mom, but ALWAYS putting her children first.
In my opinion, Keshia is more like my sister and part of my family than a friend. It doesn't matter if we don't talk to each other in 1 day, 3 months, or 10 years, we will always pick up right where we left off and we will always be there for each other when needed.*
Can I tell you how genuinely this girl REALLY understands me? She knows that when I am having a hard time and am SUPER depressed about life, that it is just a phase for me because I have such a huge passion for life. She knows I have a thirst for knowledge that is never quenched and she knows my true soul. When I was having an amazingly bad day last week, I got a text from her. doesn't sound unnormal right? Well, me and Jenna hadn't talked in close to month or so. Her text said "Keshia, Ive been having a lot of thoughts about you lately. Are you ok?" What makes our friendship even more odd, she ALWAYS pops up when I am at my lowest. She said, "Its like God whispers in my ear everytime you need me." She also wrote her blog about me the day before my breakdown. I am so blessed to have a friend like her. she is my BEST FRIEND. I know it all may seem irrelevant but I get so much support from her. The type of support that pops me out of my depressions and makes me start looking at myself for what I really am. i am strong and I know I have and will surpass any and all expectations of me. the one thing I have always said is, "Just give me the chance and let me show you what I can do." I believe in myself . . I just don't believe 100% of the time. I KNOW I am strong although I question it constantly. but thats me. . . im a mess. but im the best damn mess you will ever take a chance on.
Spinning out of control 12/15/08
Why do I feel as though my life is spinning out of control? Im so lost in this head of mine. Im afraid of my future and what hasn't even happened. Is it wrong for me to believe I know what will happen? How do I change everything that I ever was? Im 22 with 2 amazing kids, yet why do I feel as though I have no identity? I thought I knew who I was and was perfectly fine with that person. Then i hear one simple song on the radio on night on my home from work and I realize that I don't feel that identity. If you are reading this one today, Im sorry. . its gonna be long. For all those that know me, know that my true passion lies in fastpitch softball. Ive played since I was 8 years old and fell instantly and irreversibly in love with it then. I was always told how natural I was at it. That was my being, my life, my happiness. Having my feet on the mound inside that circle, knowing that so much was on my shoulders, feeling the eyes of every single person in the park were on me for that moment . . makes my heart pound. Pitching was my identity. In many ways I feel it still is. I worked so hard to become the best that I could be in that circle. In that circle is where I truly feel release, happiness, calm. if you would have told me 3 years ago that i would miss it so badly, im sure I would have laughed at you. But yet now, the simple thought of being in uniform, my black leather mitt on my left hand, yellow softball with the raised threads in my right, feet on the mound, awaiting my call from the catcher altho i knew exactly what I was going to throw, hearing the crowd cheer me on, hearing the voices of my team behind me encouraging me and putting full faith in me . . . Ive yet to find another feeling like it. Its undescribable. The pressure is unmeasurable, yet I thrived under that pressure. I would do anything to get that feeling back. Its all a bittersweet pain. I received a few full ride scholarships for college, straight out of highschool. I chose to stay close to home to be with my boyfriend and still get to play the game I love. I can't regret that decision, I can't and I won't. Shortly after the first season had started (November to be exact) I got pregnant with my daughter and left the team and dropped out of school. I got my daughter out of it but it doesn't fill the void I have in my soul for my game. MY game. I still get recognized for my accomplishments from softball. I walk into the store from time to time and someone will ask me if I am who they think I am. I am that girl, every time. people i don't know recognize me and look up to my achievements. its been 4 years since I have stepped between those 2 chalk lines. I should feel proud. shouldn't I? I act like I am. I pretend to be for those that do recognize me, but inside my heart is breaking. I guess it truly is so bittersweet. I had such a huge impact on so many people. so many little girls always said they wanted to pitch like me, wanted to be in my position. Why does one game get to me so bad? I believe I was put on this earth to play. My true friends have ALL came from softball. I know I have SO FEW, but they are my REAL friends. im just too stubborn to reach out. Too full of pride to ask for help of any sort. Ive been through so much in my lifetime. More than anyone ever really believes. Ive become so good at putting on a happy face that most are genuinely shocked when I reveal what I go through. The most common reaction I get is, "But you seem so happy when you are around me and when I talk to you." Its true. I do SEEM happy. Ive got used to playing that role. I don't want anyone to feel pitty for me, I don't want anything that isn't genuine from people. I want to get what I have by my own hard work. I know there are things that I can't do alone and that I should ask for help, but I never have. Im sure that I never will ask for help, no matter how badly I need it. That has got to be one of the hardest things for me to do. Prideful? yes. Stubborn? yes. Lonely? yes. I feel SO alone its ridiculous to me. Im surrounded by the best company that I have ever had in my life, yet I feel so alone. Ive got no one to turn to. No one who will just hold me and let me cry. I know I shouldn't need or want a male companion so intensely, but I do. Someone who will just let me vent, who will wipe away my tears so that my children don't have to, who will accept that my children are a part of me, someone who will comfort me, who look into my eyes and see all the passion that I hold, who will understand that Im not the one to make the first move, who will understand that the little things make me fall hard, who is willing to catch me everytime that I fall no matter how often it may be, who is willing to accept me for the entire being that I am. I know I am alot to handle, in a different way than most girls out there but i love wholeheartedly. Im not drama. Im not an overly jealous person. I have problems and make mistakes just like the rest of you. I feel things harder than your average person. Just because it doesn't show on the outside, doesn't mean im not dying on the inside. I believe there is good in everyone and I give out more chances than im sure I should. But that is what I love about myself. I love without thinking, I care without thinking, I give without thinking. I believe the words that people say to me because I mean every word that comes out of my mouth. Im honest and loyal. Why can't I find someone who shares the same values? I wish I didn't need or want this so bad. . . but I feel as tho I do. I don't need material things. All things material I can provide for myself and my children. I work hard to provide that stability and no man can ever take that from me. I just need someone there for ME. I want to quit struggling through each day, i want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to be divorced and have MY name back. I want everything with my lawyers to be done with already. I want to have the life that I dreamed of. I want to be ok with where I am, but Im not. I just want to let out a good cry, but I can't. Not in front of my kids. I just want my stability. I keep thinking im not sure if I am strong enough to handle all this. I just want to get away. I want to go away for a bit. just take a break.
Losing Faith 12/10/08
Really, God, if you do exist, what the fuck have I done?! I don't get it!! Ive tried so hard, day in and day out to be the best possible person that I can be, yet why do I keep getting shit on time after time?! I know Im strong and that I will pull through, by why the inconvenience? Why do I get more tests than most? Im trying so hard to be the best possible mother for my children since their father doesn't want anything to with them. Im trying so hard to be EVERYTHING that everyone wants me to be. Im trying GODDAMNIT Im fucking trying. But for what? For solely the purpose to see my children's smiling faces. Speaking of them, what did they do? Leyna with her seizures and now Damian has a heart murmer?! Can we not catch a break?! Can we not get just a little moment of happiness and peace?! Thats all Im asking for! I could live in a fucking cardboard box with them as long as I know they are happy, healthy and optimistic! They don't deserve to be tortured with this bullshit! They don't deserve it . . Look at them! They are absolutely miraculous! How can you exist and do this?! What did they do to be born to me? Did I give them this fate by simply keeping them when I had other options available?! Its so hard to sit here and know that I am doing this to them. I am . . no one else. They are the consequences of my actions. A GREAT consequence. But they are paying consequences for my actions. . . No. . . If you exist, you are truly an unjust God. Were you with me in that ambulance when all I could do was sit and hold my lifeless daughter's hand, praying to you . . . praying that you wouldn't take her from me. Were you there? did you see my suffering?! the endless pain i felt? Were you there in the doctor's office today as I sat and got told that my son has a heart murmer?! Did you see my pain?! Do you REALLY think Im strong enough? To do this on my own?! I can't even stay home from work when my children are sick because how else will all the bills get paid?! Do you see me NOW!? Crying profusely?! Mascara streaming down my cheeks?! Just wanting to pull my hair out, im in so much pain. Im sorry. Im sorry for every wrong move I made in life. Im sorry for being selfish at times. IM SORRY! Im sorry for bringing my kids into this. Im sorry for losing faith.
So I have missed a few . .
I realized today that I do a lot of blogging, just not on here much. I guess its technically not blogging since I don't explain a lot of what is going on in my life, but rather in my head. I have a few that I have written so I will just copy them to here . . for your reading pleasure.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Well its been awhile!!
Well, Ive decided to come back since it has been awhile and update anyone that cares enough to follow my blog. =) Thank you the one. . or two readers that I may have! lol
Im actually doing pretty well financially, emotionally and physically lately. Things seem to be falling into place and I hope and pray that they continue to do so. Knowing all the while that with my luck they probably won't. BUT I just keep on wishing! lol
My divorce is still pending. Just have to get the estranged husband to take the parenting class and sign the papers. OR I can pay $150 to my lawyer to have his attendance waived for the class. I may just end up doing that and then getting the divorce by default because he is much too slow to realize that if he signs the papers, we are divorced! =P Sad but true, my friends!
Im finally getting out from the ditch that my "marriage" caused me financially and getting things back in proper working order. =) Its a VERY good thing because I have always craved financial stability. I want to be able to give my kids the entire world!! It just so happens that this is all happening right before Christmas. Im bound and determined to give my kids a damn good Christmas this year.
My kids "dad" hasn't come around all that often, nor has he really called. In some strange way but makes complete sense to me, it has been a weight off of my shoulders. Ive FINALLY learned to not expect anything from him, period. Since I have done that, he no longer disappoints me. It still hurts for my children but I rather enjoy not sharing them. I know where there are and how they are at all moments of every single day. They are amazing by the way. Damian is still running laps around everyone and talking up a storm. Leyna continues to amaze me more everyday with her growing intelligence. Its just great to be their mother. =D
Speaking of their mother, its a difficult thing to date while going through all of this. But one particular guy just seemed to kind of . . . fall in my lap when I wasn't expecting it. He is a very good guy and its now official that I have a boyfriend. This is something that is still oh so new for me to say . . it will take some getting used to! Thats for sure! But he treats me so well and gives me butterflies everytime I think about him. He respects me in all the ways possible and is an all around good guy . . with these tattoos that are so hot! lol I had to throw that in there or I would be lying to myself right now!! He has an amazing heart and the same sick and twisted sense of humor that I have. He can handle my sarcasm and throw it right back at me. . its great! lol
Onto other topics cuz I can tell you are rolling your eyes right now!! Ive been thinking about talking to my dad lately. My brother works with his company now and from all that my brother is saying, my dad may be getting his head on straight. I also just got my maiden name tattooed down my spine and its safe to say that I got that name (and am so proud to be an Elizond) from my dad. Its only a mere thought at this point still . . so input would be appreciated. Its not just me to worry about. Ive got these babies that look up to me so Im thinking LONG and HARD about this one.
Well, thats all there seems to be for now. I will try and update more as often as I can. =) Its busy busy times for me right now!
Im actually doing pretty well financially, emotionally and physically lately. Things seem to be falling into place and I hope and pray that they continue to do so. Knowing all the while that with my luck they probably won't. BUT I just keep on wishing! lol
My divorce is still pending. Just have to get the estranged husband to take the parenting class and sign the papers. OR I can pay $150 to my lawyer to have his attendance waived for the class. I may just end up doing that and then getting the divorce by default because he is much too slow to realize that if he signs the papers, we are divorced! =P Sad but true, my friends!
Im finally getting out from the ditch that my "marriage" caused me financially and getting things back in proper working order. =) Its a VERY good thing because I have always craved financial stability. I want to be able to give my kids the entire world!! It just so happens that this is all happening right before Christmas. Im bound and determined to give my kids a damn good Christmas this year.
My kids "dad" hasn't come around all that often, nor has he really called. In some strange way but makes complete sense to me, it has been a weight off of my shoulders. Ive FINALLY learned to not expect anything from him, period. Since I have done that, he no longer disappoints me. It still hurts for my children but I rather enjoy not sharing them. I know where there are and how they are at all moments of every single day. They are amazing by the way. Damian is still running laps around everyone and talking up a storm. Leyna continues to amaze me more everyday with her growing intelligence. Its just great to be their mother. =D
Speaking of their mother, its a difficult thing to date while going through all of this. But one particular guy just seemed to kind of . . . fall in my lap when I wasn't expecting it. He is a very good guy and its now official that I have a boyfriend. This is something that is still oh so new for me to say . . it will take some getting used to! Thats for sure! But he treats me so well and gives me butterflies everytime I think about him. He respects me in all the ways possible and is an all around good guy . . with these tattoos that are so hot! lol I had to throw that in there or I would be lying to myself right now!! He has an amazing heart and the same sick and twisted sense of humor that I have. He can handle my sarcasm and throw it right back at me. . its great! lol
Onto other topics cuz I can tell you are rolling your eyes right now!! Ive been thinking about talking to my dad lately. My brother works with his company now and from all that my brother is saying, my dad may be getting his head on straight. I also just got my maiden name tattooed down my spine and its safe to say that I got that name (and am so proud to be an Elizond) from my dad. Its only a mere thought at this point still . . so input would be appreciated. Its not just me to worry about. Ive got these babies that look up to me so Im thinking LONG and HARD about this one.
Well, thats all there seems to be for now. I will try and update more as often as I can. =) Its busy busy times for me right now!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
My Forever . . .
So here I sit, out on my back porch watching my children play with each other. Thinking about life and getting lost in my own thoughts, the mass maze of confusion that is my mind. I think and feel so many different thoughts and emotions all at once. I make the wrong decisions with a conscious knowledge that they are wrong, but I make them anyway. WHY? I don't think even I know the answer to this one. There are so many different sides to me, so many different people that I can pretend to be. I choose to be that way tho. I choose not to let the real me surface for reasons of uncertainty. I don't think like most people do, my mind runs deep with emotions and knowledge but I don't let it all surface for fear that it may be too much. The passion that I encompass is too much for most of the people that I have met in my lifetime. I hae been through more and seen things that the majority of people will never experience. But every single experience made me who I am inside, the person that I want to show to everyone. There was a point in time when I was promised Forver. Well, that promise faded just like my hope of reaching my forever with someone. That experience alone, tainted my faith tremendously. I keep searching for that one who isn't here to play games, who loves me with the same passion that I will love him with. I know Im 22 and most say that I shouldn't be looking to settle down yet. But truth be, that's how I am. I am the complete definition of the relationship type of girl. I DO NOT enjoy being single, I DO NOT enjoy the dating scene. I DO enjoy cuddling and watching movies on a Saturday night. I DO enjoy having someone to talk to when I have a hard day. I DO enjoy knowing that I am all someone can think about. I DO enjoy laying next to someone in bed, not only just for sexual reasons (which I thoroughly enjoy lol) but to actually feel the heat of their body next to mine. So basically, Im over this "dating" scene, the "friends with benefits" scene, the "single" scene. Im all about the "deeper connection" scene now. I have been blessed with so many things, unfortunately the only thing I am missing is the love that I dream about. The love that most think doesn't exist. This is a vow to myself to think higher and be higher. To live my life solely for me and my children. If it scares any guys off, then they don't deserve any of what we have to offer. They were never strong enough anyways. All I want is for one guy to fully appreciate the beauty that lies in my mind, my heart and my soul. The beauty that I know my children see .
Friday, October 10, 2008
These touch my spirit and clutter my mind
As I was online one day talking to a friend about my many tribulations in life, about my thoughts of love and hate, about life, he sent me these two passages that touched me deeply. I connected with them on not only an emotional level but on a spiritual level. I feel these like you feel tangible objects. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
---A passage by Bertrand Russell---
Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living.
--- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8---
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
---A passage by Bertrand Russell---
Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.
Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.
This has been my life; I found it worth living.
--- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8---
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Monday, October 6, 2008
6 . . Ive been tagged!
Jenna tagged me .. . so here we go!
Here are the rules:
Mention rules on your blog.
Tell about 6 quirks of yours.
Tell 6 fellow bloggers to do the same.
Leave a comment to let them know.
1. So I decided that for my first quirk . . I don't think I have any quirks! So I guess that is a quirk in itself! I really don't though. Everything that I do is absolutely, 100% me and I believe I am on the fair side of being normal! Maybe not normal 100% of the time but I am always true to myself and to who I want to become as a person! =)
2. Ok, think Keshia, think! OH! I HATE the feel of scrambled eggs in my mouth. Makes me gag just thinking about it! I can eat about one bite but after that . . Im OVER it! This is odd because I used to love scrambled eggs growing up. It was the only way that I would eat them! But since I was pregnant with Leyna, it just makes me gag and I can feel the acid coming up my esophagus when I see them, smell them, or hear about them!
3. I am probably the most stubborn person you will ever meet! =) Again, this isn't weird to me because I have ALWAYS been this way! I always want things my way and if someone else doesn't agree, I get mad. I will totally admit to it after the fact so thats a plus, right?! HA HA! Ask anyone who truly knows me! I want what I want when I want it and how I want it! I just prefer certain things in my life of mine =) Now is that really that bad?! I don't think so!
4. So, I haven't figured out whether I can really and truly see the supernatural or if it is my mind that is making me believe that I can. Sometimes I know that I am just freaked out with my surroundings so my mind makes me think that I am seeing something when Im not, but sometimes, I really believe that someone or something may be there. Not only have I seen things on multiple occasions, I feel these presences. Its undescribable. I guess some would just call it a gut instinct, but its more than instinct. Its like when you FEEL someone looking at you even tho you aren't looking at them. But I get that when Im alone at time. . . its kinda freaky.
5. I am probably the most chill mother you will ever meet! My kids are on fast mode all day long, every single day! They run into walls and fall off of chairs ALL THE TIME so they are used to it and so am I! =) I just them go because I know that is how they learn. They will have to find out a lot of things on their own and if they realize that doing one certain things causes a negative consequence, then they won't do it again! Its hilarious when other people are around me and my kids! They are so damn jumpy and I just sit back and watch!
6. I have had a lot of moments recently where I feel like a complete child! We are talking in the good sense! The sense that I don't want to grow up! The child that loves to be goofy and act like a complete fool just because I love to laugh! Jenna brought back so many memories when we talked about toilet papering! I STILL love to go do that and I am 22 years old with 2 little children! When my children are old enough I will be out there with them! I think I just love to laugh after it is all said and done. All of my best laughs have happened due to these moments and memories!
Here are the rules:
Mention rules on your blog.
Tell about 6 quirks of yours.
Tell 6 fellow bloggers to do the same.
Leave a comment to let them know.
1. So I decided that for my first quirk . . I don't think I have any quirks! So I guess that is a quirk in itself! I really don't though. Everything that I do is absolutely, 100% me and I believe I am on the fair side of being normal! Maybe not normal 100% of the time but I am always true to myself and to who I want to become as a person! =)
2. Ok, think Keshia, think! OH! I HATE the feel of scrambled eggs in my mouth. Makes me gag just thinking about it! I can eat about one bite but after that . . Im OVER it! This is odd because I used to love scrambled eggs growing up. It was the only way that I would eat them! But since I was pregnant with Leyna, it just makes me gag and I can feel the acid coming up my esophagus when I see them, smell them, or hear about them!
3. I am probably the most stubborn person you will ever meet! =) Again, this isn't weird to me because I have ALWAYS been this way! I always want things my way and if someone else doesn't agree, I get mad. I will totally admit to it after the fact so thats a plus, right?! HA HA! Ask anyone who truly knows me! I want what I want when I want it and how I want it! I just prefer certain things in my life of mine =) Now is that really that bad?! I don't think so!
4. So, I haven't figured out whether I can really and truly see the supernatural or if it is my mind that is making me believe that I can. Sometimes I know that I am just freaked out with my surroundings so my mind makes me think that I am seeing something when Im not, but sometimes, I really believe that someone or something may be there. Not only have I seen things on multiple occasions, I feel these presences. Its undescribable. I guess some would just call it a gut instinct, but its more than instinct. Its like when you FEEL someone looking at you even tho you aren't looking at them. But I get that when Im alone at time. . . its kinda freaky.
5. I am probably the most chill mother you will ever meet! My kids are on fast mode all day long, every single day! They run into walls and fall off of chairs ALL THE TIME so they are used to it and so am I! =) I just them go because I know that is how they learn. They will have to find out a lot of things on their own and if they realize that doing one certain things causes a negative consequence, then they won't do it again! Its hilarious when other people are around me and my kids! They are so damn jumpy and I just sit back and watch!
6. I have had a lot of moments recently where I feel like a complete child! We are talking in the good sense! The sense that I don't want to grow up! The child that loves to be goofy and act like a complete fool just because I love to laugh! Jenna brought back so many memories when we talked about toilet papering! I STILL love to go do that and I am 22 years old with 2 little children! When my children are old enough I will be out there with them! I think I just love to laugh after it is all said and done. All of my best laughs have happened due to these moments and memories!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
USMC
So it's Sautrday afternoon and this week has been pretty amazing to say the least. I know it has been a bit since I have last blogged and Im getting bugged to update it . . so here I AM! =D
There are so many things running through my mind at the current moment but the majority of it has to do with the title. For those of you that really know me, know that I have many little brothers. Not by blood of course (only one by blood) but by heart they certainly mean as much to me as my blood brother. One in particular I am extremely proud to say that I know. His name? Andrew Horrocks. Better known now as Pvt. Horrocks of the United States Marine Corps.
I am incredibly overwhelmed with pride. He is back in Utah currently after just finishing with boot camp and becoming a US marine. It is so bittersweet for me because I know every time he leaves he may not come back, but I also know that he is doing a great thing for our country. I will continue to wish and pray every single day for his safe return. I know the passion for our country that consumes him and I am speechless as how to possibly let him know even a sliver of the pride and gratefulness that I feel for him. He has only gets to be home for 10 days, which is almost up, then he gets shipped off to serve our country. Im scared to death. So please don't take for granted all the freedoms we have in this great country. For my little brother is out there risking his life for us. How many of us can say that we would do that for millions of strangers? While Im at it, I want to say thank you to ALL the men and women in the military. As I get the pleasure to meet more of them all I am continuously amazed by their perseverance.
Please pray for my little brother and possibly let him know that what he does IS APPRECIATED. For our military doesn't here it as often as they should. I want to also recognize my cousin Ben who is also a United States Marine, and all my newfound friends in the Army and the Air Force. You all are appreciated and supported. I love you all and pray you will all come back safe.
I love you.
There are so many things running through my mind at the current moment but the majority of it has to do with the title. For those of you that really know me, know that I have many little brothers. Not by blood of course (only one by blood) but by heart they certainly mean as much to me as my blood brother. One in particular I am extremely proud to say that I know. His name? Andrew Horrocks. Better known now as Pvt. Horrocks of the United States Marine Corps.
I am incredibly overwhelmed with pride. He is back in Utah currently after just finishing with boot camp and becoming a US marine. It is so bittersweet for me because I know every time he leaves he may not come back, but I also know that he is doing a great thing for our country. I will continue to wish and pray every single day for his safe return. I know the passion for our country that consumes him and I am speechless as how to possibly let him know even a sliver of the pride and gratefulness that I feel for him. He has only gets to be home for 10 days, which is almost up, then he gets shipped off to serve our country. Im scared to death. So please don't take for granted all the freedoms we have in this great country. For my little brother is out there risking his life for us. How many of us can say that we would do that for millions of strangers? While Im at it, I want to say thank you to ALL the men and women in the military. As I get the pleasure to meet more of them all I am continuously amazed by their perseverance.
Please pray for my little brother and possibly let him know that what he does IS APPRECIATED. For our military doesn't here it as often as they should. I want to also recognize my cousin Ben who is also a United States Marine, and all my newfound friends in the Army and the Air Force. You all are appreciated and supported. I love you all and pray you will all come back safe.
I love you.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Labor Day Weekend
Im feelin pretty good today. I didn't sleep much last night but its ok because I feel good today. I have a good 3day weekend starting today and Im so excited! I guess its just lame cuz I don't have any plans but hangin with my babies but I am happy about it. =) I know I have to go do laundry and clean up our room but its nothing significant enough to have be truly bothered or stressed today. I plan on going for a walk with my kids a little bit later. That will help me tremendously as well. Because if you know me at all, you know that walking is my stress reliever. I don't know how or why but it always calms the constant stream of thoughts going in and out of my head at any given second. Ive come to realize that Im just too much for most people to handle. I have an extreme personality. Its either black or white . . no inbetween for me. If it is inbetween, thats when I stress the most! I am EXTREMELY passionate and super sensitive, not to mention CONSISTENTLY stubborn =) but the people that love me, love me despite my flaws. I love who I am and if my thoughts scare people off then so be it. I don't need them anyways. If you all could take a glimpse into my head for 1 minute I think that you would be tired for the rest of your life. Its mass confusion up there with my thoughts going at light speed. But all in all, it is MY thoughts =) Thats what makes it all worthwhile to me! I know you probly don't understand this blog much, but I do and I feel so much better after writing in it today . . . =) Have a great Labor Day Weekend!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
So I left the title blank to this one because Im not quite sure what I am even going to write about in this blog. I feel so lost. So confused about life and everything in it. All I know for sure is that I am so in love with the two little ones that call me MAMA. Thats about it, my friends. I need a new start, a new environment. I feel like I am going in circles where nothing is changing but I want it all to change so bad. I have no motivation for myself right now. There is so many things on my plate right now that just the thought of it all completely overwhelms me, so I do nothing. I want to get it all done. All taken care of, and I want it all to happen RIGHT NOW. I try to be strong day in and day out but Im so broken down. I KNOW I'm not alone in all this but I can't help this feeling of loneliness that I feel in soul. I hate failing and I feel like I have pretty much failed at everything in my life. Im doing the best that I can yet it seems the harder I try the worse it all gets. How do you give up someone that you love more than yourself in order to protect yourself? I believe that if it is meant to be it will be . . . . but how do you wait? I don't know, all I know is that I need to clean up this mess that I have made of my life and I don't even know where to begin or where to go. I need a new start. Somewhere far away from everything and everyone. How do I accomplish this when I don't even know where I am. I hate being an adult. I have so much responsibility and Im not holding up to my end of the bargain that was made when God gave me my children. Im trying. Im trying so hard. Hopefully I will get a break soon. VERY SOON. Before I crash and burn at the bottom.
this is the song that I am consistently pushing repeat, repeat, repeat to . . . hopefully it will sink in soon and I will believe it.
this is the song that I am consistently pushing repeat, repeat, repeat to . . . hopefully it will sink in soon and I will believe it.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Crickets
So I was just sitting here on the computer when my daughter comes running in to me screaming, "Mama! Mama! Do you hear that?! Do you hear that?!" Of course I can't hear anything but her screeching little voice but I just stop what I am doing and ask "Hear what?" My heart smiles as she says so excitedly, just like a 3 year old would, "CRICKETS!!!" In all actuality it sounds more like "CWICKETS" But I love how she says it and I know what she means. We as adults hear the crickets all night long during the summer but have you ever stopped to really listen to them. They are so beautiful. Its one of the most unique sounds that I have ever heard in the longest of times. So there I was, sitting with my little girl in my lap on the front porch just listening to the crickets and her little giggles, and realizing how much Im letting this life pass me by. I swear it was just yesterday that I was pregnant with Leyna and so terrified to be a mother. Now that little being that was inside me is this perfect 3 year old little girl and she even has an equally perfect 1 year old brother. What happened to the last 4 years of my life? So much has changed, some for the better and some for the worst but it all equals to what I am and who I am today and Im pretty sure I wouldn't change one second if ever given the chance. I have taken so much of it for granted and now I struggle on a day to day basis just to get by in every way possible, I thank God for all the blessings that I do have. Im so thankful that my daughter still has the innocence to be truely grateful for the "noise" of the crickets. Life is sometimes crazy, chaotic, unperfect and stressful. But I can look at my life and see my 2 beautiful children and know that I love mine in all of its trials and tribulations. I love that I have the sight to see my beautiful children grow and learn each day. I love that I have the hearing to listen to the crickets and the "Mama"s that come from children every day. I love that I get to feel the softness of my children's skin and the warmth of their kisses every day. I love that I get to smell the smell of baby lotion and baby soap knowing that means my kids are around me. I love that I get to taste all the concoctions that my daughter makes for me now matter how disgusting they may be. I am truely thankful for my children. In every aspect of their lives. I would kill for those two in the blink of an eye without even thinking about it. I would do anything and everything for them. I feel true and passionate love in my heart when I look at them. Nothing can ever compare to the love that a mother has for her children. Nothing. And you can quote me on that. I haven't been perfect but I promise to my children from this day forward that I will put them first and live my life for them. So to my children (and I say it with tears in my eyes and the warmest heart) "I love you two. More than you will ever know."
My point to all of you who read this, they say take time to stop and smell the roses, but my advice is to take time to stop and listen to the crickets. For everytime I listen, I hear the innocence and compassion in my children's hearts.
My point to all of you who read this, they say take time to stop and smell the roses, but my advice is to take time to stop and listen to the crickets. For everytime I listen, I hear the innocence and compassion in my children's hearts.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Takin it one step at a time
Here we are yet again. . . Did ya miss me?!
See, out comes the humor. I always seem to use humor to mask my pain or discomfort. I don't know why I do it but Im fully aware that I do. My life is crazy and sometimes Im not sure how the hell I am ever going to get through it. One step at a time right? Well, I think it is much easier said than done. I feel like I have no direction in my life right now. I feel like I keep looking for my fairytale kind of love but it just may not exist. Scratch that. I know it exists because I see it every single day all around me. It just hasn't happened to me yet.
Before I fully get into that let me update.
My little girl is now 3 years old and she is so excited about that. Everyday she will hold up 3 fingers to me and smile the biggest smile you have ever seen! It makes my heart melt all up until she says "My birthday is coming!" To which I must reply, "No babydoll. You already had your birthday, now its Damian's turn for his birthday." Thats about the time she throws a tantrum and starts crying. I know. . Im such a mean mom aren't I? =) Well now today is Damian's first birthday and it is so bittersweet for me. I love watching him grow because he amazes me with all he can do . . but now I don't have baby anymore! Im not baby hungry, I just want my baby to stay little forever I guess.
I got to take the whole week off since their birthdays are 5 days apart. I go back tomorrow and I have so much sorrow because of it. I didn't realize how much I truely miss my babies when I go to work. It makes me hurt. This week has truely made me realize just how much of me they have. I have made so many mistakes with them that I just wish I could take back. These 2 depend solely on me and in some ways I have let them down and I won't forgive myself for that. Never. But as God is my witness, Im doing my best. I just feel like my best isn't always good enough. I can't change the past so Im gonna make the best of what I have for the future. Like Randy Pausch says, "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." Its so true and holds so much meaning to me.
Well, to update on the whole divorce issue. . . It all has been filed and my lawyer says that he should have the papers this week. Which means that if Jose did get them then he is being really civil and give him as much as possible. Which isn't happening by the way. Everything is rightfully mine and Im gonna do my best to make sure I have full sole custody and guardianship of my children. Thats what I care about the most. I was supposed to get my car back from him yesterday but it didn't happen. I guess his other car that he bought is in the shop but he says that I will have the 300 on Monday no matter what. Let's see if he holds up to his end of the bargain on that one. I want to trust him that he will so bad but with his history I just might have to pay almost $400 to get it reposessed. Im stressing big time about that one. Im trying to move on with my life but feel like Im walking in the dark. No sense of where to go. Im lonely and need to get away. But if I leave then the guilt will overwhelm me and I will be stressed the whole time I am away. I contradict myself just like this all the damn time. it doesn't make any sense Im sure but my brain goes so much faster than my fingers can type.
See, out comes the humor. I always seem to use humor to mask my pain or discomfort. I don't know why I do it but Im fully aware that I do. My life is crazy and sometimes Im not sure how the hell I am ever going to get through it. One step at a time right? Well, I think it is much easier said than done. I feel like I have no direction in my life right now. I feel like I keep looking for my fairytale kind of love but it just may not exist. Scratch that. I know it exists because I see it every single day all around me. It just hasn't happened to me yet.
Before I fully get into that let me update.
My little girl is now 3 years old and she is so excited about that. Everyday she will hold up 3 fingers to me and smile the biggest smile you have ever seen! It makes my heart melt all up until she says "My birthday is coming!" To which I must reply, "No babydoll. You already had your birthday, now its Damian's turn for his birthday." Thats about the time she throws a tantrum and starts crying. I know. . Im such a mean mom aren't I? =) Well now today is Damian's first birthday and it is so bittersweet for me. I love watching him grow because he amazes me with all he can do . . but now I don't have baby anymore! Im not baby hungry, I just want my baby to stay little forever I guess.
I got to take the whole week off since their birthdays are 5 days apart. I go back tomorrow and I have so much sorrow because of it. I didn't realize how much I truely miss my babies when I go to work. It makes me hurt. This week has truely made me realize just how much of me they have. I have made so many mistakes with them that I just wish I could take back. These 2 depend solely on me and in some ways I have let them down and I won't forgive myself for that. Never. But as God is my witness, Im doing my best. I just feel like my best isn't always good enough. I can't change the past so Im gonna make the best of what I have for the future. Like Randy Pausch says, "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." Its so true and holds so much meaning to me.
Well, to update on the whole divorce issue. . . It all has been filed and my lawyer says that he should have the papers this week. Which means that if Jose did get them then he is being really civil and give him as much as possible. Which isn't happening by the way. Everything is rightfully mine and Im gonna do my best to make sure I have full sole custody and guardianship of my children. Thats what I care about the most. I was supposed to get my car back from him yesterday but it didn't happen. I guess his other car that he bought is in the shop but he says that I will have the 300 on Monday no matter what. Let's see if he holds up to his end of the bargain on that one. I want to trust him that he will so bad but with his history I just might have to pay almost $400 to get it reposessed. Im stressing big time about that one. Im trying to move on with my life but feel like Im walking in the dark. No sense of where to go. Im lonely and need to get away. But if I leave then the guilt will overwhelm me and I will be stressed the whole time I am away. I contradict myself just like this all the damn time. it doesn't make any sense Im sure but my brain goes so much faster than my fingers can type.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Just another day in my screwed up life
So, here we are again. Just another day. Everyday has trials for me lately. I don't know when it is gonna end or if it ever will! I guess I should start from the beginning.
It started yesterday which is Monday and Jose's first day with the kids each week. We agreed a few months ago that Jose would take the kids on Mondays and Tuesdays since he has Monday thru Wednesday off. That gives him one day that he's not with the kids when he isn't working. I think it is common sense for him to keep the kids overnight seeing as he will also have them on Tuesdays but I guess that is asking way too much from him. I should have known when I had to shut off my phone yesterday when I was hanging out with my friends because he was calling me constantly. I knew he would just want me to go get the kids but he is their father and should take part in helping to raise them. I should know better. I really should. This is how he has always been but I guess I just haven't accepted it. So when I finally turn on my phone this morning I have 9 voicemails all from him. He even went as far as to call my mom at midnight and then come over at 8AM to get clothes that I "never packed" for the kids. Then when he finally calls me again this morning all he tries to do is hurt me with the one person that I specifically told him I didn't want my kids around. This girl is my psycho stalker and she has done nothing but cause drama day in and day out for the last 2 years. She has vandalized our cars and tried to extort money out of Jose. But yet .. . he runs to her again. I don't have a problem if that's the level he wants to take himself down too. I really don't. I just care that she is around my kids. But I hope she enjoyed seeing my GORGEOUS babies cuz it will be the last time. Now I have to call the credit union and have my car that Jose drives voluntarily repossessed and cancel his phone. Not to mention he still owes me $500 that I loaned him from my own pocket. I don't know how the hell I will even pull off my kids' birthdays this year but I will. That's a promise. Im just so tired of all this fighting and intentionally trying to hurt me. Im just trying to do what is best for my kids and I feel like I am fighting a losing game. I know I will be triumphant sooner or later but I sure as hell wish it would be sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I did meet a very nice guy who is very respectful of me and has a genuine interest in who I am as a person. He accepts that I am a mother and never wants me to stray from it. After dealing with an ass for 7 years I think it's about damn time I met a nice guy. So a big thanks to Shawni for introducing us. I can only see everything in my future going up. I know it won't be easy but I know that I have a strong group of friends and family to help me through it all. I know I have people who love me and care enough to have my back in any situation and they won't judge or question me on how I got there. So to all those people, especially to my mom, I love you and I thank you and someday I will find a way to repay you. I will never do you wrong.
It started yesterday which is Monday and Jose's first day with the kids each week. We agreed a few months ago that Jose would take the kids on Mondays and Tuesdays since he has Monday thru Wednesday off. That gives him one day that he's not with the kids when he isn't working. I think it is common sense for him to keep the kids overnight seeing as he will also have them on Tuesdays but I guess that is asking way too much from him. I should have known when I had to shut off my phone yesterday when I was hanging out with my friends because he was calling me constantly. I knew he would just want me to go get the kids but he is their father and should take part in helping to raise them. I should know better. I really should. This is how he has always been but I guess I just haven't accepted it. So when I finally turn on my phone this morning I have 9 voicemails all from him. He even went as far as to call my mom at midnight and then come over at 8AM to get clothes that I "never packed" for the kids. Then when he finally calls me again this morning all he tries to do is hurt me with the one person that I specifically told him I didn't want my kids around. This girl is my psycho stalker and she has done nothing but cause drama day in and day out for the last 2 years. She has vandalized our cars and tried to extort money out of Jose. But yet .. . he runs to her again. I don't have a problem if that's the level he wants to take himself down too. I really don't. I just care that she is around my kids. But I hope she enjoyed seeing my GORGEOUS babies cuz it will be the last time. Now I have to call the credit union and have my car that Jose drives voluntarily repossessed and cancel his phone. Not to mention he still owes me $500 that I loaned him from my own pocket. I don't know how the hell I will even pull off my kids' birthdays this year but I will. That's a promise. Im just so tired of all this fighting and intentionally trying to hurt me. Im just trying to do what is best for my kids and I feel like I am fighting a losing game. I know I will be triumphant sooner or later but I sure as hell wish it would be sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I did meet a very nice guy who is very respectful of me and has a genuine interest in who I am as a person. He accepts that I am a mother and never wants me to stray from it. After dealing with an ass for 7 years I think it's about damn time I met a nice guy. So a big thanks to Shawni for introducing us. I can only see everything in my future going up. I know it won't be easy but I know that I have a strong group of friends and family to help me through it all. I know I have people who love me and care enough to have my back in any situation and they won't judge or question me on how I got there. So to all those people, especially to my mom, I love you and I thank you and someday I will find a way to repay you. I will never do you wrong.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
20 years Tag
20 Years Tag
20 Years Ago...
1. I was 2 years old...
2. I was living with my parents at my Grandpa Phil's house in Rose Park
3.I was just starting to get some blond curls
4. Me and my family would soon move into the house we live in today
10 Years Ago...
1. I was 12 years old and in 6th grade
2. I was on the news for the first time with my school's hairraisers contest (Go MOM! thanks for the hair!)
3. I had already been on crutches 3 times.
4. We played softball in school and everyone wanted to be on my team.
5. I hung out with Chantel almost everyday.
5 Years Ago...
1. I was 17 and in highschool.
2. Jenna and I would were hated on by all the girls in school . . or close to it.
3. I wore flipflops everyday except to softball
4. Jenna and I could consume a family meal at Taco Bell all by ourselves (We owe a big thanks to softball for keeping us from blowing up!)
5. Me and Jenna were pretty much attached at the hip.
3 Years Ago...
1. I was 19
2. I was pregnant with my first child.
3. I was so scared to be a mother.
4. I was poor but got everything my daughter needed
5. I had just started at USPS
1 Year Ago...
1. I was 21 and married with no plans for divorce
2. I was pregnant and huge with my 2nd child
3. I had my own apartment with my husband and daughter
4. I was planning on moving back with my mom because my husband wasn't working.
So far this year I...
1. decided enough is enough with the "husband"
2. have celebrated my 22 birthday
3. Started doing thins for me
4. bought myself a new car that I love!
5. have truly started to find out who I am
Yesterday I...
1. Went and watched my daughter in her first dance recital.
2. Argued with Jose . . as usual
3. Went to work and missed my babies like crazy.
Today I...
1. cleaned my room
2. am going to work . . which Im not looking forward to
3. will pay bills and be stressed about how much money I don't have.
Tomorrow I will...
1. Have the day off thanks to Jenna's rehearsal dinner
2. Hopefully get Jose or his family to take our kids for a bit
3. take a shower . . like everyday . . lol
In the next year I will...
1. get new boobs . . . yes . . I will!
2. Be happy and hopefully in a relationship with a cute boy
3. Give my kids a great Christmas
4. Be a divorced woman!
I tag:
Miss "SMASH" lol . .
20 Years Ago...
1. I was 2 years old...
2. I was living with my parents at my Grandpa Phil's house in Rose Park
3.I was just starting to get some blond curls
4. Me and my family would soon move into the house we live in today
10 Years Ago...
1. I was 12 years old and in 6th grade
2. I was on the news for the first time with my school's hairraisers contest (Go MOM! thanks for the hair!)
3. I had already been on crutches 3 times.
4. We played softball in school and everyone wanted to be on my team.
5. I hung out with Chantel almost everyday.
5 Years Ago...
1. I was 17 and in highschool.
2. Jenna and I would were hated on by all the girls in school . . or close to it.
3. I wore flipflops everyday except to softball
4. Jenna and I could consume a family meal at Taco Bell all by ourselves (We owe a big thanks to softball for keeping us from blowing up!)
5. Me and Jenna were pretty much attached at the hip.
3 Years Ago...
1. I was 19
2. I was pregnant with my first child.
3. I was so scared to be a mother.
4. I was poor but got everything my daughter needed
5. I had just started at USPS
1 Year Ago...
1. I was 21 and married with no plans for divorce
2. I was pregnant and huge with my 2nd child
3. I had my own apartment with my husband and daughter
4. I was planning on moving back with my mom because my husband wasn't working.
So far this year I...
1. decided enough is enough with the "husband"
2. have celebrated my 22 birthday
3. Started doing thins for me
4. bought myself a new car that I love!
5. have truly started to find out who I am
Yesterday I...
1. Went and watched my daughter in her first dance recital.
2. Argued with Jose . . as usual
3. Went to work and missed my babies like crazy.
Today I...
1. cleaned my room
2. am going to work . . which Im not looking forward to
3. will pay bills and be stressed about how much money I don't have.
Tomorrow I will...
1. Have the day off thanks to Jenna's rehearsal dinner
2. Hopefully get Jose or his family to take our kids for a bit
3. take a shower . . like everyday . . lol
In the next year I will...
1. get new boobs . . . yes . . I will!
2. Be happy and hopefully in a relationship with a cute boy
3. Give my kids a great Christmas
4. Be a divorced woman!
I tag:
Miss "SMASH" lol . .
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Recital Day!!
So here I am again, just about to head off to Leyna's very first dance recital. I will have to put up some pictures of my lil girl dancing around. I can't believe how fast she has grown. She will be 3 years old in less than a month. I swear I just had her. . I can honestly swear. Im so excited for her and she is so excited too!
I also dealt with Jose today. That wasn't so much fun as it always is but I keep hoping he will be civil. But like my mother says, "He was an ass when he was with you why do you think he would change when you aren't with him?" Great advice as always from my mom.
I don't know why I try so hard to be civil with him and worry about his feelings so much. All he does is take complete advantage of me and say all these things that accomplish nothing but hurt me. He is the only person in this world who I have ever let destroy my self worth. I feel like I am nothing when I am around him and it is one of the worst feelings in the world. Why? Why do I let him do it? I can't just turn off these emotions and I feel that if I keep trying and keeping hoping and praying that the Jose that I love will resurface. Today he flipped out about me mentioning a boob job. Just as simple as that.
I don't know why I stick around or even go around and let him keep doing this to me. I want to do something for myself and he tells me Im selfish. This would be the second significant thing that I have done for myself since we have split (Getting my kids names tattoed on my back was the first and he even flipped about that cuz I didn't let him know that I was gonna do it). Its like no matter what I do Im not good enough for anyone. So I decide to stop pleasing everyone else and just worry about pleasing myself and now Im "fake, selfish, immature, etc." I don't get it. I just don't get it.
On a lighter note, my best friend in the whole world is getting married on Friday. I couldn't be more happy or excited for her. She has finally found someone that she loves wholeheartedly and someone who loves her the same in return. I must admit that I am so jealous of what she has but I need to keep faith that God has his plan for me. I will let her enjoy her day and the life that she has created with Rory. So Jenna, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. You have been so much like family to me and I want to thank you for ALWAYS being there when I needed you. You are the true definition of a friend and you will always be in my heart. Im so excited for you and I am so grateful that I have you to call my best friend. Im gonna bawl like a baby at your wedding . . you know that right? I can't wait to call you "Mrs. Jenna fucking Duff" HA HA! I love you!!
Well, time to get leyna ready for her recital . . wish me luck on not bawling at my little girl growing up. Im so happy to be a MAMA. Im so blessed.
I also dealt with Jose today. That wasn't so much fun as it always is but I keep hoping he will be civil. But like my mother says, "He was an ass when he was with you why do you think he would change when you aren't with him?" Great advice as always from my mom.
I don't know why I try so hard to be civil with him and worry about his feelings so much. All he does is take complete advantage of me and say all these things that accomplish nothing but hurt me. He is the only person in this world who I have ever let destroy my self worth. I feel like I am nothing when I am around him and it is one of the worst feelings in the world. Why? Why do I let him do it? I can't just turn off these emotions and I feel that if I keep trying and keeping hoping and praying that the Jose that I love will resurface. Today he flipped out about me mentioning a boob job. Just as simple as that.
I don't know why I stick around or even go around and let him keep doing this to me. I want to do something for myself and he tells me Im selfish. This would be the second significant thing that I have done for myself since we have split (Getting my kids names tattoed on my back was the first and he even flipped about that cuz I didn't let him know that I was gonna do it). Its like no matter what I do Im not good enough for anyone. So I decide to stop pleasing everyone else and just worry about pleasing myself and now Im "fake, selfish, immature, etc." I don't get it. I just don't get it.
On a lighter note, my best friend in the whole world is getting married on Friday. I couldn't be more happy or excited for her. She has finally found someone that she loves wholeheartedly and someone who loves her the same in return. I must admit that I am so jealous of what she has but I need to keep faith that God has his plan for me. I will let her enjoy her day and the life that she has created with Rory. So Jenna, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. You have been so much like family to me and I want to thank you for ALWAYS being there when I needed you. You are the true definition of a friend and you will always be in my heart. Im so excited for you and I am so grateful that I have you to call my best friend. Im gonna bawl like a baby at your wedding . . you know that right? I can't wait to call you "Mrs. Jenna fucking Duff" HA HA! I love you!!
Well, time to get leyna ready for her recital . . wish me luck on not bawling at my little girl growing up. Im so happy to be a MAMA. Im so blessed.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Day number 1
So here I am. Im very new and very uninformed when it comes to this blogging thing but when my best friend told me I needed to blog to get out all the emotion that is in me, I decided to give it a good shot.
I will start by introducing myself.
My name is Keshia and Im 22 years old.
I feel much older than my age because of my wide range of life experience. It also could be because I have 2 beautiful children that call me MAMA.
I have a little girl named Leyna who will turn 3 on August 3rd and a little boy named Damian who will be 1 on August 8th. Let me tell you, no other title than MOTHER could make me happier or give me more cause to wake up each and every single morning with a huge grin on my face. I will readily admit that I am probably one of the hugest saps you will ever meet (and yes, as I wrote that last sentence I was getting all teary eyed . . . ). I am currently married but won't be for long as I am in the process of divorcing my children's father/significant other. That is the reason I was told to blog.
Going through this divorce is the hardest thing I think I have ever done in my life. It's so hard to give up on something especially when it is the only thing you have ever wanted. Didn't someone say that somewhere? Well it sticks with me day in and day out. So many people that I truly care about and I know truly care about me have told me since day one that my "husband" was bad news. But as someone once said, "Love doesn't make you blind, it allows you to see more. But because you can see more, you choose to see less." Well, I was in love. I thought it was the cute kind of love. But it wasn't. Nonetheless, I was head over heels before I could stop myself. And now Im walking away from all that I have really known, what has been my life for the last 7 years, and stepping into a world that I have no clue what it holds for me or what my purpose in it is. But Im not just stepping my friends, oh no! Im leaping into it headfirst and hoping for the best. So wish me luck and stay with me through this roller coaster that I call my life. I can proudly say for the first time in 7 years, this is my life in my words. And Im scared.
I will start by introducing myself.
My name is Keshia and Im 22 years old.
I feel much older than my age because of my wide range of life experience. It also could be because I have 2 beautiful children that call me MAMA.
I have a little girl named Leyna who will turn 3 on August 3rd and a little boy named Damian who will be 1 on August 8th. Let me tell you, no other title than MOTHER could make me happier or give me more cause to wake up each and every single morning with a huge grin on my face. I will readily admit that I am probably one of the hugest saps you will ever meet (and yes, as I wrote that last sentence I was getting all teary eyed . . . ). I am currently married but won't be for long as I am in the process of divorcing my children's father/significant other. That is the reason I was told to blog.
Going through this divorce is the hardest thing I think I have ever done in my life. It's so hard to give up on something especially when it is the only thing you have ever wanted. Didn't someone say that somewhere? Well it sticks with me day in and day out. So many people that I truly care about and I know truly care about me have told me since day one that my "husband" was bad news. But as someone once said, "Love doesn't make you blind, it allows you to see more. But because you can see more, you choose to see less." Well, I was in love. I thought it was the cute kind of love. But it wasn't. Nonetheless, I was head over heels before I could stop myself. And now Im walking away from all that I have really known, what has been my life for the last 7 years, and stepping into a world that I have no clue what it holds for me or what my purpose in it is. But Im not just stepping my friends, oh no! Im leaping into it headfirst and hoping for the best. So wish me luck and stay with me through this roller coaster that I call my life. I can proudly say for the first time in 7 years, this is my life in my words. And Im scared.
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